Didn't really want to start a new thread until I had something nice to say.
Backsliding. Rough week. It's always a rough week without my Ds. I'm still feeling/maintaining detachment from my W, but feeling loss of the family. It doesn't help one little bit that I am blaming myself for the whole mess.
Self-forgiveness is a big problem ATM. I have meditated at stages throughout my life, and only really began to heal at all when I started meditating again a couple of months back. I have read about some forgiveness exercises that I know I should get on top of ASAP. But its like telling a depressed person to "cheer up". I dont want to, I want to wallow in self-pity. I will turn around soon, I always do as I get closer to my week with the girls, and during.
What I really feel like is a hug . Someone to hug. At least the WAS' have that.
Starting with a reply.
Z: I am going write that email and CC the mediator, or at least sit on it over the weekend.
Originally Posted By: Zeus
So if in a year from now my W started talking about reconciliation, I'd be like "shoot". I thought I was going to avoid the hard painful work of piecing, I thought I was going to meet someone else and have a fresh chance at a great R. Now I've got to debate whether I am willing to reinvest in this person that I'm not confident will be able to hold her end, and a person that has enough negative history with me that the first year or two would be really difficult instead of really exciting.
I can appreciate that. Even now I feel like if she came back with open arms, it would be next to impossible. Going back has never been an option. There is too much hurt ATM to go forwards. So it would just be like being bogged. In the future I can imagine starting a new relationship with another W, but I can't imagine ever being/feeling that way with her again. I can't imagine even being anything but detached friends with her (eventually), let alone nervous and excited, touching her hair and anticipating that first kiss.
I am open to negotiation though, and trying. Not so much for the sake of the M per se, but for the sake of the family (of which the M is the cornerstone).
I know it has only been 3-4 months since BD, but I haven't really seen any sign of things going that way. She is angry, and perhaps getting angrier as I get darker, as DBing predicts, but that is it. Hardly a positive. Well feels that way. All other actions have been towards D, selling house etc. My feeling is that this is just slipping further away. R with OM might turn out to be lifelong, but it won't fall apart before D is finalised. He wants permanent residency among other things. I have met him remember, before he was a known threat.
I am *ready to want to* scrap the idea of a R with W, put it down to learning the hard way, do the hard yards for me and another future relationship. I know this is supposed to have been the idea all along but like I was trying to explain to a friend. I have always known it was pronounced "A" but now I really understand that its pronounced "A". You see the difference
Last edited by Cadet; 04/17/1512:59 PM. Reason: Links
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
. Someone to hug. At least the WAS' have that. 
