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Pyrite Offline OP
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fair enough - just because it is true and was true long before she met me doesn't mean that i am not criticizing or judging and that is the behaviour you are pointing out. absolutely true.

in context, it is part of the situation being discussed. i am not judging her for it. i am agreeing that generally the LBS should NOT have sent the SMS to the WAS anyway. I am even more stupid because I know she filters everything. KNOWing doesn't make it criticising.


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Originally Posted By: Pyrite
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Tough spot. I personally wouldn't be satisfied with that arrangement and would probably say something like (ccing mediator):

"We're making decisions that will be very important for our family's future. We've agreed to try the route of mediation as it's never ideal to turn over control of those decisions to a third party such as the courts. That said, for mediation to continue to be a viable option for me I would need to see us improve in our communication. This would mean getting responses to the emails I've sent and having replies phrased with a respectful tone. I'm open to feedback on what you may need from me to make this more effective as well. This is an emotional time but I'm still willing to set those feelings aside for now as we work together for our children's best interest."


i have said this, but i will try CC the mediators well. Not that it make a difference. She admitted the other night she doesn't look at my emails.


Ah, but it DOES make a difference...so when you go L only and quit responding to her you know it wasn't reactionary. It will be following through on a reasonable boundary. And that doesn't mean she won't think you're being controlling. It will mean YOU will know better for YOURSELF.

This is about you, your boundaries, your motives. What she does with it is no longer your game. You'll still interact at times, and you can validate at times, etc. She might someday realize you're not acting the same. But don't monitor her for that type of recognition, because you can't control that and it is a big distraction. Keep steering your ship!


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Pyrite Offline OP
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Ta - i think it is another level of detachment for me. like the post i quoted "open to reconciliation is not the same as waiting".

Fear is holding me back, again. While I m waiting I am waiting for the WHEN reconciliation happens. And my gut tells me this is never gonna happen.


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Your gut is right in one important way...it won't happen in this lifetime. You're cooked. You're M is over and you will have to go through all of the grieving process. If by chance you do a great job becoming a great H, and someday she notices...it will seem so far distant you won't remember the person you were today or how you felt.

I'm 10 months in tomorrow, just realized. At this point I'm maybe 75% of the way to detachment. Reconciliation hasn't been a serious thought of mine for a long time. We haven't spoken since November and I haven't been emotionally in pursuit since then either. I have been letting go more and more, originally letting go of desire, then letting go of anger.

Now the thought of R not only seems absurd, it's almost undesirable. I'm looking forward to when the day comes that my D is final, and looking forward to how healthy and strong I feel in another year. And I'm looking forward to how good of an H I can be for my next woman. I'm excited for the conversation, getting to know her, finding someone that shares the vision of scaling Mr. Everest (i.e. making a M work), and that is willing to make that a serious priority and die trying. I am excited at the idea of a future M that is better than mine.

So if in a year from now my W started talking about reconciliation, I'd be like "shoot". I thought I was going to avoid the hard painful work of piecing, I thought I was going to meet someone else and have a fresh chance at a great R. Now I've got to debate whether I am willing to reinvest in this person that I'm not confident will be able to hold her end, and a person that has enough negative history with me that the first year or two would be really difficult instead of really exciting.

Based on my commitment to M I'd still seriously consider working it out, but it would be based on my beliefs, not feelings. But it would depend on my sense of whether it was a good risk.

So you can see...R is still a possibility in my future, because who knows? But it is so far down the road that it's irrelevant to the pain I went through and doesn't change the fact that for all practical purposes today my M is dead forever.

Long process, marathon not a sprint. But the secret is you don't have to wait until you get remarried to be happy. In fact, if you do then you won't be anyway wink But in the middle of this, we're having fun, right? 2x4ing the bejesus out of each other? Good times, right Py? Can't beat chillin on the DB forums!

PS- start a new thread before Cadet puts a Mod hurting on you!


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Pyrite Offline OP
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you're right Z. She doesn't want me for emotional support. it is killing me right now, even though I have known it, "accepted" it before.'

sorry for the spew. i'm really screwed up today.

conventional support, even IC, pushes me in the direction of you can't blame yourself for 100% for the failure of the M. They suggest 50/50, or at least W should have been prepared to work on it, or she chose A, EA.

how can i resolve this with I am 100% responsible ?
or I drove her to A?
how can i ever forgive myself for this?
how can i move on if i dont?

i have to slow down? Do i need to detach from this in the same way I detached from my W and "needing" to pursue her?


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Sorry to use this quote so often, but if you haven't seen it here it is:

When you expect it least,
the ego,
declared dead,
will surge into your mind,
and in an instant
you will seem so far removed from Tao
as heaven from earth.

Has it ever happened to you?
Don't despair.
Let it go.
Do what comes next.

Accepting failure
is a humbling experience
akin to enlightenment.
In an instant you will discover
that heaven and earth are one and
that you have never been separated from Tao.

The Taoist sage
lives in harmony with failure
and never fails.


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You need to start a new post.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Pyrite Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Zues126

In an instant you will discover
that heaven and earth are one and
that you have never been separated from Tao.


this is the most beautiful part for me - accepting failure -

the price of the failure is too high, but there is no other way.

wheres it from?

"negative history" - you mean the fallout after BD, or is this recognition of her part in the M?

i'll start a new thread with a better outlook - when i get it.

Thanks Z. i wouldn't have made it this far without your support and wisdom


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Last edited by Cadet; 04/17/15 12:57 PM. Reason: Link

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