Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

i love you guys - even though it seems most of the time you 2*4-ing me.

She HAS always misinterpreted things, and bottles them up. Her Mum says she's been like that since a small child. I dont think I have contributed to that, just now I am definitely not on the assumed safe side. I am on the opposite.

I agree I am am MMMMMMMMM more responsible for this than her.

I like the 100% compromise perspective. I am willing to do that without any concession from her (except OM maybe). The issues that lead to me "changing my tune" towards her need to disscussed - this is why I am so pessimistic maybe, am I really such a low priority. if she doesn't love me, or in love with, then isn't it over.

im not wanting to control her back. Honestly, reading other posts, I was not so controlling of her. certainly not in the begining. After her brief period of leaving a few years into the R I did get scared that she would leave again, and I can see how I was controlling to keep her in the R, but not to do my bidding so to speak. BUT for the past few years I have noticeably made her responsible for making me happy and punishing her when she didn't. you could argue that I always had her in this position, but there was no need to punish her because she never failed.

i have to learn to STFU in general!

[MrBond]

"how I could have better phrased my SMS"

You shouldn't have texted a message of that nature at all.

[Pyrite]

As for the text you sent...what was it in reply to? If you initiated it that was your first mistake. But reading back all I see was what you sent her. Can you provide the context that you felt required that response?

The night before I visited with my D4 because she was distressed the previous 2 nights wanting me, and phone calls weren't cutting it. I dropped back with W,slept baby and upon return D4 was crying and W was teary eyed. D4 told W she didn't like her and wanted to stay with me. I was trying to comfort my W, that this is just a passing phase in D4's grief.

[Zues126]

Tough spot. I personally wouldn't be satisfied with that arrangement and would probably say something like (ccing mediator):

"We're making decisions that will be very important for our family's future. We've agreed to try the route of mediation as it's never ideal to turn over control of those decisions to a third party such as the courts. That said, for mediation to continue to be a viable option for me I would need to see us improve in our communication. This would mean getting responses to the emails I've sent and having replies phrased with a respectful tone. I'm open to feedback on what you may need from me to make this more effective as well. This is an emotional time but I'm still willing to set those feelings aside for now as we work together for our children's best interest."

That's assuming it was TRULY bad behavior (and not simply you being mad at her for being mad at you). If it was just irritating and frustrating I'd put up with it. If it was hostile and uncooperative I would not. But the way I wrote this up wasn't judging, blaming, or controlling. It was simply a boundary of what I would and wouldn't put up with.

Vets- I'm curious how you feel about this.

[Pyrite]

"how I could have better phrased my SMS"

You shouldn't have texted a message of that nature at all.

given my context explained to Zeus - does this still stand. I suppose it is not part of being dark if I am emotionally tied in ANY way

[TenBook]

"She HAS always misinterpreted things, and bottles them up. Her Mum says she's been like that since a small child. I dont think I have contributed to that, just now I am definitely not on the assumed safe side. I am on the opposite."

There you go again. Critisizing. Judging.
Here is my 2x4. Your STBX has realized what you have been doing to her all these past years and now wants out. Yes, she figured you out. Your greatest fear realized.

I dont' know how to get through to you. Your comments about how she is like this (absolute critical judgement), your statements on accomplishments get me thinking that you just might be a narcissist.

It is not too late to change. You are clearly an intelligent guy and you have self knowledge to do so. But I think your 180 is to seek professional advice on just how critical your comments are.

[Zues126]

and yeah, in your example I wouldn't have sent a text at all. she's not looking to you for emotional support and you won't win her back that way. you will attract her back by becoming a whole man and acting accordingly. and a whole man doesn't chase after a broken woman that is spewing venom at him treating him like crap.

PS- A whole man also doesn't get righteous about her behavior or point fingers I have to keep reminding you Py until you hear my voice every time you start looking on her side of the fence!

[Pyrite]

Tough spot. I personally wouldn't be satisfied with that arrangement and would probably say something like (ccing mediator):

"We're making decisions that will be very important for our family's future. We've agreed to try the route of mediation as it's never ideal to turn over control of those decisions to a third party such as the courts. That said, for mediation to continue to be a viable option for me I would need to see us improve in our communication. This would mean getting responses to the emails I've sent and having replies phrased with a respectful tone. I'm open to feedback on what you may need from me to make this more effective as well. This is an emotional time but I'm still willing to set those feelings aside for now as we work together for our children's best interest."

[Zues126]

deleted

[Pyrite]

Tough spot. I personally wouldn't be satisfied with that arrangement and would probably say something like (ccing mediator):

"We're making decisions that will be very important for our family's future. We've agreed to try the route of mediation as it's never ideal to turn over control of those decisions to a third party such as the courts. That said, for mediation to continue to be a viable option for me I would need to see us improve in our communication. This would mean getting responses to the emails I've sent and having replies phrased with a respectful tone. I'm open to feedback on what you may need from me to make this more effective as well. This is an emotional time but I'm still willing to set those feelings aside for now as we work together for our children's best interest."

i have said this, but i will try CC the mediators well. Not that it make a difference. She admitted the other night she doesn't look at my emails. Until ~6 weeks ago, amongst the email were R talk (by me). that dwindled down over time, to zero.

her complaint then was that my emails belong in a "dear diary" and she doesn't want to hear it. so i ended it.

I used to email 2-3 times a week out of necessity that a bill, mortgage needed her 1/2 share contribution.

her complaint then was that my emails were too hard to understand. I showed other ppl, including 3rd parties as I thought maybe I was going crazy. every time, they read the emails, sms and queried which part doesn't she understand. SMS are worse. she replies and i think she has understood, and that is her answer. and then she replies a 2nd time with something that implies she doesn't understand at all

2-3 weeks ago I stopped even doing that. the mortgage is in arrears, the bills aren't paid.

she only wants verbal communication, but so far that hasn't worked at all. in 4 phone calls and a voice message she just yelled at me, for crazy things (i was paying too much attention to the kids and thats why they miss me). that's fine. i understand she is angry. i made her angry. in all 3 phone calls i was 1st- calm, 2nd-silent, 3-rd silent, 4th - calm and validating. its OK that she is angry and angry at me. I am fine with that. BUT we need to get things sorted. thats why I've given up, I'm not in a hurry to move or get D. I'll let her drive and if I have too enrol D4 in local school because she hasn't got around to it. M-I-L also instructed me to do this as she is aware of how W is avoiding everything.