Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Perhaps you mean in her frame of mind she will misinterpret? if there is ANY chance of being misinterpreted then she will. One thing I have avoided posting is one of Ws ..... traits. She misinterprets almost everything. Paranoiacally to be a comment attacking her, and internalizes it. My family have been walking on eggshells for years. AND now, I am sure I am in this spotlight! Oh Crud! Should I try and rectify it? would this just make it worse? I am just digging myself in deeper.

She was like this when we met. Worse even, so it wasn't me thank you

[Zues126]

Py, you're right about the fact that some WAW's will find a way to interpret everything you do as negative. My STBX sent me a nasty text about how a bill I had said I would pay was coming due and would be direct debited out of her account if I didn't pay it. I quickly threw in money into her account so it would cover the direct deposit. She then texted me back that I was "screwing up her proof of income" because the government programs she's applying for look at bank deposits to determine eligibility. Had she simply asked me not to make deposits in her account when possible I'd get it. But it was a SMALL amount (very unlikely to screw up anything) and it just seemed likely that she has decided to be outraged by what I do even before I do it, then she just picks something to sneer about.

But- none of that has anything to do with me, and the problems I exhibited that contributed to her feeling negatively towards me. The only reason that's important to remember is to stay focused on YOUR task:

1. Detach. You DO NOT want your sense of worth to be tied to her opinions or moods right now. And trying to find ways to be extremely noble isn't necessary. It's not necessarily appropriate to be Mr. Nice Guy, and it will only set you up with expectations that she'll give a rat's behind. Treat her like you would a drive through teller at Starbucks. Casually polite and disinterested in more than getting the cup of coffee you paid for.

2. Less is more. If it's not a question you don't need to reply. If it's not about the kids you don't need to reply. You can, but you don't have to. If it's about the kids and it's relevant, you can boil it down to one sentence. And if she has a stinging retort or says something inflammatory, DO NOT be drawn in to defending yourself. Just let it go.

3. NEVER FORGET what you did that contributed to her feeling this way. She is just mirroring the pain you created. I know you know this already, but when you aren't fully detached and get lashed at again and again it can be easy to lose sight of. This is the bed you made. Now you get to learn how to do things a bit differently.

Glad you're reading my thread and DB/DR. Keep going.

[Pyrite]

i am not in a good place today, not at all. No doubt it dismay poo coloured glasses, but everything I look at is tainted.

DR was depressing me. Apart from the tiny section on LRT, every other part of the book presumes at some point in the conversation that things aren't as dire as my situation.

I read some more old threads (not Newcomers) on here. 2 that come to mind:

1. open to reconciliation is not the same as waiting (for your spouse)

2. Don't let the spouse catch you DBing - they will likely consider it manipulative behaviour

1 was good, albeit depressing for me ATM.
2 - dont disagree at all. I have felt uncomfortable with this. manipulative behaviour is one thing i am trying to eradicate

I'm starting to project my depression onto real life issues . I am in the middle of custody negotiation. So far we are both in favour of 50/50. but relocation is a big issue.it is only a matter of time before W realises that it is only a problem assuming 50/50 custody. If she petitions for full custody, she will get it.

Statistical fact (here) only 15% of men have been awarded custody as "primary carer" in preference to the mother WHEN there has been an appeal by the man, AND these are almost all cases where the W has a record of dependence, psychological issues etc.

So i am thinking I will cave and move 2hrs from my work and family to maintain 50/50. I am even considering just letting her have full custody rather than fighting it. defeatist i know, but thats how I'm feeling.

[TenBook]

Giving up custody is up to you. But you will pay for child support to the fullest and lose decisioning power over their future.

I don't know how each state views custody but I know that 50 / 50 is ideal in our legal jurisdiction. If parents can negotiate and agree to where to live, courts will not deny shared custody.

You have a right to say what schools and area to live in as well. Screw her, don't fall on your sword like that. Get involved and start researching schools and areas. Bring that information to mediation and it will be extremely effective.

[MrBond]

"I have felt uncomfortable with this. manipulative behaviour is one thing i am trying to eradicate"

In what way is it manipulative? You read that wrong. It says that YOUR SPOUSE will see it as manipulative. All you should be doing (validating, listening, changing) are things that you should have been doing in the first place.

[Zues126]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhh. I didn't read your last post correctly (OOPS, several posts ago, about your W was like that before she was with you, eggshells, etc). I see you were saying that she's always been this way so it wasn't your behavior that contributed to it.

Let me ask- is she treating OM that way?

Seriously, you have to let go of the score card.

You're not 100% to blame. She's not 100% to blame. But I am telling you as plainly as I can, you are MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MORE RESPONSIBLE for the outcome of this situation that you are acknowledging.

I heard once to make a M work you can't just compromise and meet in the middle. You both have to meet the other person all the way to their side. It's not a 50/50 compromise. Both parties compromise 100%. Because when both are trying for a "fair" compromise both parties start haggling over what's fair, and both parties feel it's unfair in the other party's favor. Instead you both give what you feel is unfair, and you do it graciously. Only if both people feel that way can you both maybe get it done.

You're sitting on the sideline trying to be fair and reasonable, trying to accept a fair amount of responsibility, trying to accept a fair amount of blame. When it seems like people are blaming 100% on you you're responding with "whoa, I'm not 100% responsible for my M's problems, I'm not the only imperfect human in this R". What you're not seeing is that you're failing to execute the "I will take 100% accountability and give 100% towards meeting her all the way" approach that is ***REQUIRED*** to succeed.

And you shouldn't be so cocky about your evaluation of what's fair. Because your idea of fair just cost you your W. So STFU and accept an unfair amount of the blame for a while and you might find out down the road you deserved more than you thought.

And I say that with nothing but love Py.

[Pyrite]

True. SPOUSE will se it as manipulative. validating, listening, changing - all good things - but its always a means to an end for the controlling party. i.e. my way is better, the majority supports this, so this is the way you should go as well - i know i am taking to far perhaps.

please can you comment on how I could have better phrased my SMS, apart from not at ALL. my idea is to in future include her response as the first half of what i am replying toes there is no confusion there?

[Zues126]

And Mr. Bond is 100% correct. If you're using DB as a strategy to control her back, you are manipulative. If you let go of the death grip, let her go, and focus on making yourself a better man, that is growth.

[Zues126]

As for the text you sent...what was it in reply to? If you initiated it that was your first mistake. But reading back all I see was what you sent her. Can you provide the context that you felt required that response?

[Pyrite]

I have proposed many things, through the mediator, CC the mediator, but I get no response from her ever, about anything. She contacts me on her terms, usually yells at me a bit, which is fair enough, she's angry, and then moves on again

thanks for the encouragement NOT to fall on my sword