Hello mahhhty, Well one of the things that caused my wife great pains was in a argument if things got carried away I would want to leave and cool down but my wife needed answers now so she would follow and nip at my heals in a sense and that would anger me more so I would start to push away harder and that would upset her and I knew that I should step in and show her I loved her and just hold her but I would refrain till she was hurting before giving in and consoling her. a very hurtful way of treating someone you love. I would always show her love and peace and reason things out after but never really gave in first at all because I was afraid of getting hurt by her. she had hurt me many times at the beginning of our relationship from some bad choices and struggles she had growing up. I never fully knew how to forgive and that pain had grown into resentment and I used it to steal security from her to fill my insecurities.
So the first thing I did was realize the problem and try and understand it. I tried to see things from her side of things and when I did I was extremely humbled in what I saw. I had never been able to look beyond my pride in the past thinking I was justified because of the pains she had given me. I learned a lot about pride and began to get back in touch with my spiritual side, to find where my humility was and began to grow it and replace my pride with it. a truly wonderful thing that gives so many gifts. (wish I would have never forgotten so long ago). I tried to better understand what unconditional love was and how I could allow myself to place it before my desires or needs of reward for being a good husband and provider. (I am not all bad, my wife dearly loved me for many good reasons just I had began to expect to many things in return). I realized that the true gift of love to my wife and children was not the things I could provide for them but it is to give them myself. to give them me. the best me I could be. Even though everything I have ever done was mainly for my family it meant nothing if they could not see that or feel that. I began to place their needs before mine even if it meant giving away my best hands in all of this we were going through. even though she realized what I had given them I truly did it for me. there are still moments I struggle with it as sometimes I feel I should have been rewarded for it I fight that off and remember why I truly did it. By trying to see things through her eyes I am trying to learn how to forgive and better bury pain and or resentment for good. this I find probably being one of the most important but also very hard to fully teach on self. I have been reading many books, attending different types of counseling and have learned to deal with some of my childhood pains I carry. the counseling I enjoy the most is with my pastor. he is also a friend. I think one more important thing I have learned is I must always be willing and looking to learn. to everyday be willing to be a better person than yesterday. I believe that to be truly enjoying the gift of life.
