Then he finally started doing taxes. Calling me to check on some things. Always saying "You can came here and see". I said that it was OK, I knew he was doing it right, and that it would be OK. I did not want to get close to him in any way, so I avoided any paper checking.
I made dinner, called everyone including him, we had dinner together and he was quiet, he thanked me for dinner and said that the food was amazing delicious as always. He then sat on the cough and start observing us, talking, laughing, the boys were telling about the movie they watched on saturday. He was there, looking at us, the outsider.
The kids helped to clean up and left. H finished the taxes. He was still down. I said to him that next time he came to the house that he can maybe try a smile for a change. He said that he is not always so sad, that sometimes he is OK. Then he said: I don't know, I have a person that I care in one country and my kids here.
So, great, I heard that. And that is when you just realize that it is all about him, OW and maybe the kids. Not me, not at all me.
I got a cup of coffee and went outside, then in two minutes H was there. He start saying that he has a few friends and that they do not understand him very well. That sometimes he catch himself wondering, looking at the walls. Then he said: You understand what I mean. You understand me. He said it is difficult for him to know what is going on with him and that he just stare at walls.
I said to him that maybe he needs to get some help. That I did for myself and I am feeling better. That I start understanding a lot of things on myself. That I felt like going back and being myself again, that I lost my identity and that I am becoming the person I was long ago. That I am a strong person, I love myself and I don't take crap from no one. He said that it is. That's who I was and I was not being myself for a long time.
It was getting late, almost midnight. He start getting ready to leave because he was going to Texas the next morning. I asked him then, if he could spend some time with the kids, because he has been very absent. That I was looking forward for some time on my own and asked if he could stay with the kids next weekend and he said yes. I told him I will leave saturday and come back on sunday and he said I do not need to do that. That I can come back around midnight and he can leave or sleep on the cough. I said no, I will just go and spend some time with my friends, he insisted I could come back earlier and then I did not say more.
So, I don't know, H won't commit to anything. He is in a R with his OW and enjoying it. He is just breaking away from many years in a M, that all. I still feel he loves me. The way he looks at me, the way he treats me and talk to me. But he doesn't want to be with me. He is there, if the opportunity presents itself, then he will be there, but he is not trying.
I just wish to detach and don't feel anything for him anymore. I am tired of this pain. It's hard that now he treats me the way it always should be in the first place. Now, that he has someone else in his life.
