Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Thing is that we see things the way your W is seeing things.

not exactly - you are seeing my posts.

[MrBond]

I meant that the way we are interpreting things is the way your W is. The way you talk to us, we are assuming, is the same as you are talking to your W. So if you're saying that you mean something one way and we are interpreting it another, then you are going to have to learn how to communicate differently. Same as with your W.

[Pyrite]

true, about re-learning communication. i thought it was clear what i actually said and what i felt - but anyway.

i said very few words at all. I focused on listening and validating as you suggested and making this my focus was enough to halt any angry reaction on my part. until now any physical contact we have had - my focus has been to push an agenda. I am letting go of an agenda. And refocusing on hers so to speak.

next physical contact will be in 8 days at a mediation session. i would like to contact her in between, but i think it would be really helpful to be able to stay dark this whole time. Finish DR, read Zeus'earlier posts, read about communication, reflect - and maybe fit in some work too, before i lose my job

[Zues126]

Not to misinterpret Mr. Bond's point, so my apologies...this is my interpretation though-

You may THINK you are filtering how you behave, what you say, etc, around your WAW.

But your WAW knows you better than anyone. She can pick up on clues on how you truly feel. Body language, facial reactions to a comment, tone, most of our communication is non-verbal. So what you're thinking and feeling WILL come across to her, like it or not.

You do get honorable mention for TRYING to be detached and positive around her. That's the best you could do, so that's definitely better than bus driving her to your D! And yes, better to purge the negative thoughts here where we can beat you with 2x4s until you are senseless

The point is you need to keep recognizing the focus and blame you are pouring towards WAW. I KNOW it's hard. Trust me. It seems so obvious that you hurt, your family hurts, and she did it. Keep meditating, praying, and spending time thinking about how she feels without judgment. It will come.

Maybe ask yourself: What if, instead of her being a woman of low character that is making horribly destructive decisions...what if she was actually a good woman that, while imperfect, did the best she could and put up with as much as she could for as long as she could, longer than most women would have...and only because she's been broken beyond her coping point is she doing things she hates to have to do because she feels she has no choice. Things that are causing her to suffer JUST AS MUCH as you, but this suffering is an improvement because she can at least pray it will change someday. This being the woman you loved, your life partner, the woman God gave you to cherish. With this view in mind, can you find a bit of remorse and compassion? Can you feel sorry that you put her in a spot where she felt she had no alternative?

Obviously she makes her own choices, but I think this would be a good paragraph to reread a few times.

PS- thank you for reading my early threads. I think I'm instructive because I both screwed a lot of things up in my M and viewed things pretty distorted, but I'm also a world class rationalizer so I was able to twist things and avoid some unpleasant facts for a long time. My prize- a divorce and a lot of pain to me and those I love. Maybe it doesn't always pay to be so smart...

Take care Py.

[Pyrite]

You may THINK you are filtering how you behave, what you say, etc, around your WAW.

But your WAW knows you better than anyone. She can pick up on clues on how you truly feel. Body language, facial reactions to a comment, tone, most of our communication is non-verbal. So what you're thinking and feeling WILL come across to her, like it or not.

You do get honorable mention for TRYING to be detached and positive around her. That's the best you could do, so that's definitely better than bus driving her to your D! And yes, better to purge the negative thoughts here where we can beat you with 2x4s until you are senseless

The point is you need to keep recognizing the focus and blame you are pouring towards WAW. I KNOW it's hard. Trust me. It seems so obvious that you hurt, your family hurts, and she did it. Keep meditating, praying, and spending time thinking about how she feels without judgment. It will come.

Thanks for the encouragement man! i do need it. in general i accept what you are saying about her reading me and me blaming her, but i really was very well behaved. i was proud of myself for that as i left, but distraught because of my little girl.

i sent W an SMS this morning and asked her to keep in mind that D4 is also going through this and "at this stage just needs someone to blame. unfortunately its you right now. fortunately though, it is not herself."

she was just so hurt Z, it was really hard to see. My D and my W.

Maybe ask yourself: What if, instead of her being a woman of low character that is making horribly destructive decisions...what if she was actually a good woman that, while imperfect, did the best she could and put up with as much as she could for as long as she could, longer than most women would have...and only because she's been broken beyond her coping point is she doing things she hates to have to do because she feels she has no choice.

dude - thats what brought me here! I broke her. the flawed but most beautiful girl in the world. in the real world i still defend her endlessly to my friends. and then after a month I put me in hospital after beating myself up over it for a month. then i got angry. then i fell between the two, swinging to and fro. I found salvation at DB.com and am shifting sideways now.

Things that are causing her to suffer JUST AS MUCH as you, but this suffering is an improvement because she can at least pray it will change someday. This being the woman you loved, your life partner, the woman God gave you to cherish. With this view in mind, can you find a bit of remorse and compassion? Can you feel sorry that you put her in a spot where she felt she had no alternative?

Obviously she makes her own choices, but I think this would be a good paragraph to reread a few times.

in a second Z. in a second. I have said as much to her. She knows this. But understandably doesn't care, or really now she has put her foot down she is determined not to budge. OM complicates the whole damn situation to no end. Hence I struck gold when I found this board. I can move on whilst maintaining my position to save the M.

thats what makes this so damned hard, i/we are trying to fix the crappy behaviour that resulted in the WAS, in the middle of the most tumultuous time of my/our life. although as you have also noted - i wouldn't be here, in this position of (potential) self growth if it wasn't for BD/WAS.

PS- thank you for reading my early threads. I think I'm instructive because I both screwed a lot of things up in my M and viewed things pretty distorted, but I'm also a world class rationalizer so I was able to twist things and avoid some unpleasant facts for a long time. My prize- a divorce and a lot of pain to me and those I love. Maybe it doesn't always pay to be so smart...

just starting them .
great consolation prize isn't it. i haven't given up yet. not today anyway. it probably pays to be smarter than you think you are (another of my W's admirable qualities BTW )

[Pyrite]

Zeus - the similarities are striking. At times (in the earliest ones) I have to check it wasn't me. one "funny" thing, you mentioned about the infrequency of sex, and i was curious to find out actual dates - 3 weeks? you're kidding - we were 3-4 months at a stretch. on average, 2months since the kids.

not os long ago there was an elderly couple that had been married for 60 years. they had an audience with the pope (this is not a joke BTW). their position was to petition the Catholic church to revise it's attitude towards sex. In their eyes sex was the ultimate expression of affection and love and kept their marriage in tact for that long. Anyway, once again my W agreed in principle.

not making any excuses here or attributing blame - just commenting.

[Pyrite]

Zeus - illuminating reading. Possibly depressing, given i know where it ended up. I can appreciate your growth and so on, I just mean how you hoped for the M work, and months later - it hasn't turned out that way. ATM anyway. You seemed to be calling her STBX very early on. was that just a title, a premonition, or a forced perception/ recognition?

I got angry with my W, never physical, she was never scared (that i know of), until a few occasions after BD. once when i threw things (soft things) at the wall, and another time when I kept following her and wouldn't let her close the car door. actually earlier that day i yelled at her on the phone. that scared her. i can make excuses that she baited me the whole time, so it was not like a 1-sided thing, we were fighting, BUT still it is unforgiveable. i'm ashamed to have ever been that person AND if she never comes back thats understandable.

I would love to apologise to her, again, without any strings attached. I have done that before, maybe with a lesser understanding of my role/faults. It was pointless then and I think it will be now. Her position was understandably that it's too late. Even if everything changed that needed to be, its too late. I suspect this is not an uncommon position for the STBX to be in or vocalise. I am terrified that this is the eternal truth. I wouldn't blame her one little bit, from the depths of my heart I have felt this way for a long time, before BD even, which only serves now to make it more real, and realistic a future. Great, now i've scared myself into depression.

[MrBond]

"i sent W an SMS this morning and asked her to keep in mind that D4 is also going through this and "at this stage just needs someone to blame. unfortunately its you right now. fortunately though, it is not herself.""

Why on earth would you send her something like that? She's going to take it like you're blaming her again. You really need to learn how to communicate or better yet, not.

[Pyrite]

WOW! Please help me Mr Bond. That is exactly the opposite of what I meant. I meant it is NOT her fault at all.

[Pyrite]

Perhaps you mean in her frame of mind she will misinterpret? if there is ANY chance of being misinterpreted then she will. One thing I have avoided posting is one of Ws ..... traits. She misinterprets almost everything. Paranoiacally to be a comment attacking her, and internalizes it. My family have been walking on eggshells for years. AND now, I am sure I am in this spotlight! Oh Crud! Should I try and rectify it? would this just make it worse? I am just digging myself in deeper.