Part 18 - Creeping onward

[Vanilla]

Stay Cool Edz.

Remember the picnic and castle strategy. It's working for you.

Big hug smile and cuddle for BFT.

V

[Sotto]

Morning Edz....

Really pleased to see how things are moving in your sitch. And like the others say - I think more of the same is needed from you. I think patience and continuing with your own growth and progress is important.

Also, it's possible your W may feel vulnerable/scared and pull back again somewhat. But if we look at this as pendulum swings, they are certainly swinging further towards a possible R.

The other thing I want to say is that your W may well have some 'lifting' to do. Things you have mentioned like R's with MIL, focusing on S 24/7 and so on...

It's early days, but travelling in a good direction I think.....good for you!

T x

[edz]

Thanks V, Toots

BFT had an early morning snuggle in snoring at me and leaving me to dig out the sticky roller later on the duvet cover (another BFT brushing session is needed methinks!)

Toots wouldn't be at all surprised and I wont push or prod at her, I allowed myself a minor action that could have been pursuit, yesterday one of the things that came up was that I used to say goodnight without fail every night no matter where I was, so last night (and only last night) I emailed her just to say...goodnight

Today back on the warmly standing without pursuit, no intention of chasing her up unless she contacts me or we hit tomorrow to discuss the weekend with s.

W said that at no point ever did I let her down in the marriage it was my rejecting the world, dissapearing into myself and dealings with s (and, I imagine my appearance and lack of care for myself although that was unsaid) that drove her away.

Throughout the course of yesterdays conversations both MIL and s 24/7 came up, this wasnt exhaustive. W started by saying she wanted to arrange a time where s couldnt hear so he wouldnt be upset as lots that we need to talk about could be emotional. Then she began crying and we talked. S is, for want of a better term, detaching from w. He is into his games, reading and solo pursuits and w sees the toddler slipping away. The sitch is playing a part and he smiles less but oddly seems happier around me, the "break" of school isnt there so w and s are together all the time if he's not with me and I think the growing s is trending towards puberty and the sullen aura that surrounds us in those years. W feels very alone and I think is now seeing what we had before my depression caused her to pull away and be with s all the time. We discussed that even in a new relationship I would have time with s to give her alone time that she wants and very badly needs to find who she is, she would do the same and we would do things together as a family and just as a couple, this is exactly what she says she always wanted and wants (she is *not* ready yet).

MIL, ah MIL, no idea Toots. If plans dont fall apart then MIL/FIL are moving ~280 miles away which would absolutely be the best thing for w. Anything else has to come from w, I said I'm here for her to talk to, or she can seek out a friend she trusts or find a good councillor but ultimately all her close friends and I have said the same thing. She views everything, every action, decision and choice as "what will my mum think?" and unless she's planning on (being blunt) waiting it out until she dies, she needs to make a stand regardless of whether we reconcile or not. W brought this up and recognises it, I dont know if she's strong enough yet to take an action.

And, ladies and gents, isn't that what it's all about

And once more, up, showered, looking my best and getting on with getting on

[edz]

Went out for a walk in the sunshine at lunchtime (just to the local shopping area - spending £1000s in my head on new sofas -- back to work this afternoon.

Didnt call, email or text w - just got on with the day.

She called 15 minutes ago asking could I help her out, s has got her to get a canvas for his wall there and she cant hang it (dont think she trusts fil and he's had a cold - besides I think she'd like it done before s leaves home to go to work and not at a jaunty angle).

Created a small dilemma, this *really* is w's responsibility I dont like doing things on the flat as its a symbol of us being apart (and I have my own place).

But, this is for s apart from being petty I dont feel refusing to do it would show she "fired" me as H and now she needs to do it, especially in the light of yesterdays discussions where I said I wanted to be there for her (NB in a relationship not as friend zone) and - importantly - she also said there's wine involved so I'm wondering is it also partially an excuse to bring me around there (probably not, she knows she doesnt need one unless its to excuse it to herself).

Anyway, overanalysis apart yes I'll do it, w has a damaged shoulder and chronic back pain and if she tries to do it may end up in hospital and its for s. My feelings on "her" flat need to be parked, if we reconcile it wont be this week, who knows if it will be this year (if at all) and it passes the "would I do this for a neighbour?" test (yes, definitely if there was wine )

Trying to adapt the responses to w's actions and comments and behaviours (while still keeping believe nothing said half of what's done) this is possibly fiddlier than before we started talking! (joke)

So off to the shops shortly for some bits and bobs then off to the flat. I am not expecting more deep conversation or anything else (beyond wonky walls and a glass of wine).

Update later.

[Vanilla]

You would do this for a friend or neighbour with a child and a bad shoulder wouldn't you?

Well I would. Edz would do a much better job than V!

V

[rd500]

Hi Edz. I think your right to do it as your W is coming forward and as a famous vet on here says , do what works. Also with Ws back issues its a no brainer

Take care. Rd

[edz]

Yup those where my thoughts too guys, as you say rd w has come a little toward me. All done both canvases (yes s had picked two) and a vinyl Minecraft decoration put up for her.

Got a glass of vino and w stretched a chicken curry shed made to three so got dinner too.

Spent a few nice hours there, read to s while he had his bath and we watched some TV. After s was settled in bed (no drama this time he was perfect at bedtime) stayed 30 mins or so but w mentioned she wanted to have a bath so made sure to make my exit at my suggestion and with no stress. Kissed her hand but didn't push for hugs, w is dropping s around tomorrow as she's off to a charity dinner with friends. If the weather holds we may be having a family picnic on the beach on sunday but not counting on it it'd be nice but if it happens it happens.

Swimming tomorrow with s and his coding lesson Saturday afternoon. Another busy one by the looks of it!

On the subject of the flat w did say to me she appreciates me doing it and i shouldn't read anything into it re being separate to me she just needs space right now, just validated and got on with the jobs in hand.

I'm glad I did it, was the right thing. Maybe not a few weeks back but now absolutely even if it wasn't for s which it was its helped her made him happy and made her happy at no cost to me or to the sitch I can possibly think of (she's not moving back any time soon even in my wildest dreams) and I had a nice evening and dinner.

I think its an odd boundary moment adapting what works from staying fairly dim (not dark) and allowing distance to figuring out what's currently comfortable contact for her and adapting as I go. Best judgement wellies on and best foot forward really.

Have a good one all.

[edz]

Afternoon everyone,

not much to report in today. Good nights sleep up this mornign normal exercises, did some housework and mopped the floors and then showered and morning ablutions before work.

Nothing from w yet but not expecting anything till late afternoon when she brings s around, I believe the dinner she was going to has been cancelled so not sure what she's up to. Welcome to stay for dinner but that's her call - one of the things we discussed was that she likes being on her own but then does nothing with the time which frustrates her.

Anyway will be swimming with s then depending on what time we get back see whats happening this evening (most likely building up a laptop for s to use at the coding day (scratch) tomorrow.

Weather is back to being meh which is a bit of a downer but mostly ok today, nice feeling having the house clean and tidy next week will do some cabling work in the office and get rid of a bit more clutter which is now at least out of sight in proper storage but really needs sorting into I do need this every day, sometimes, in an emergency and "why am I still carting this around?". The latter is going to the tip or ebay if its worth anything.

Updates later guys

Edz

[edz]

Well w dropped s off, seemed very quiet but I dont prod anymore just let her be, she'd had coffee while out with s so didnt stay long, she said she was just very tired as she hasnt been sleeping too well and just wants to finish the housework off and then unplug. Said no problems go relax and I'll speak to her tomorrow and let her go.

As I said, genuinely didn't think she'd want to stay for dinner but the standing invitation is there. I'm ok we had dinner together as the three of us last night and may spend time together on Sunday depending on the weather and how w is. A part of me would love it if she said actually yes I'd love to spend time here but I have to be realistic and things are going in a good direction at the moment, just need to dig down into the patience reserves a little more (I'm also tired after a busy week).

Anyhoo s is having some time on a game while I finish off emails and the conference calls this afternoon then swimming and pizza.

Catch you all later.

[Vanilla]

Have a great time.

V