Another WW/WAW, Need Guidance

[JAS84]

Sandi,

I guess that is evidence if the fact that I am up and down, snooping on her texts, almost waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. I want to save this, but I also wanted to catch her. I need to just pick one and follow the path.

I would be devastated to be on the receiving end of such a nasty divorce tactic, so understanding that she would feel the same way, I need to drop that, and start/stick to DBing.

Both of the items I posted were things I wrote for her to read. One was from a perspective of a journal entry, and the other was a letter of pure empathy.

I stopped smoking pot within a couple months of our son being born. I did it because I finally decided to "put away childish things", as it were. I have always looked at porn, but it peaked during the pregnancy, and for a while thereafter.

I have spoken to a psychologist in the recent past about the porn, and how I used it as gratification instead of seeking the company of my wife (I have not always done this, and this past December, we actually tried for a month to conceive another child, but she said it was a "foolish attempt to save the marriage"). Their view was that they did see it as an addiction, but still at a controllable level that behavioral modification could take care of (recommendations were very similar to GAL here).

Back to writing: Yes, I used to write to her all the time, but it tapered off as life took hold. Recently, she has expressed frustration in the fact that I have trouble speaking with her, but can express myself so completely through written words.

My plans are to go to the gym (I have already lost 50 pounds in the past 6 weeks, down to 250), get out with old friends, make new ones, and most importantly, be the best damn father I can be. Getting out and GAL, taking care of my house, and reconnecting with the "happy me" are important.