I Want You

[rob123]

Rob, first of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. You seem like a really good guy! I'm still early in the process and have made plenty of mistakes. So far, I'm finding the hardest part of this whole process is the detachment and the GALing, especially with children.

On another note, I really appreciate your writing style. You are obviously a smart educated man. I'm jealous of your writing skills.

Wishing you the best!

SD

I agree. It is very difficult to GAL and detach when we are under the same roof and have 2 children under the age of 5. For some uncanny reason, I have it in my head that I am abandoning my children if I want to go out and do my own thing.

Thanks for the kudos on my writing style! I tend to write novels when I get to going, especially when it is in regards to my own feelings.

I have to be strong. That is how I take control of myself. I had some very bad thoughts during my lunch prior to a meeting this afternoon. Some ladies complimented me on the way I looked while eating as a restaurant. I smiled, said thanks, and instantly thought of my W. I went to sit in my truck to think for a moment and began seeing pictures in my mind that were bad. Things like picturing my W in the nude. And then thinking that I may never get to have her again. And how some OM would get to. Very bad pictures that made me get angry. Like really mad.

I then thought about her parents. Their S-26 has been to jail twice for drugs and has been homeless for some time. Their daughter is now doing this. I cannot tell you how awful it was, when I met my MIL the other day to pick the kids up without my W, to see MIL break down and begin crying. She told me that if I ever needed to talk, she would be there for me. Talk about a punch to the gut. My MIL told me that she had already lost one son, and did not want to lose another (me). Another punch to the gut.

I then thought about my parents. The people who have always been there for me. The people who have always listened to my problems. The people who I have completely cut off since the BD 3 weeks ago because I am embarrassed. I feel like a failure because I am failing at marriage. Why do I have these feelings? Why do so many here have these feelings?

I have a theory. My theory is that most men who find themselves here in our situation are generally good guys. The type of guys that do so much for their families that they become overbearing on their M. Notice I say M. I realized early on while reading some other threads that I held M on a pedestal. I thought that a real M meant X, Y, Z, without realizing that every M is different. Every R we ever have is different. I say most become overbearing on their M because I think so many H push so hard to make their M work, that they actually work counter-productive to their M.

Who cares if my W did not text me when she got to her destination? Well, I certainly did care, but in the grand scheme of things, why did I feel it necessary to continue to 'scold' her for not texting me. Why did I continue to find it necessary to tell her that I would really enjoy a message during the day just saying she was thinking about me. I was pushing so hard on our M because the M in my mind was not the same M in her mind. People in a M send messages to their spouse to tell them they love them, right? Well, in my mind they do. However, that is unrealistic to believe that in her mind they do as well.

I cannot control her thoughts about our M. I can only focus on doing things to improve my outlook on life. I can only focus on doing things for me. I can only focus on doing things for my children. If my W wants to join in with the new me, great. If not, although it would be devastating and extremely hard, that is her choice.