New to this. Need support. Separated.

[PureHrt]

I have scanned some of the amazing posts on this site and have felt so amazed at some of the similarities to what I have been feeling. So many of my family and friends support me but honestly, don't really understand.

My husband left. He is not happy. ILYBNILWY This is not the first time. First time he didn't leave. I did all I could to give him space and show love. Asked if there was anyone else - no. Walking away from his beliefs and crying. This followed challenges with his Dad essentially disappearing (he left the family when H was a child) and I believe brought up many old hurts. He decided to stay and while he showed love he was changing. 2nd time he did leave. His mentor and father figure pastor had died. I got the ILYBNILWY. Not me it's him. NEver got to do things... No one else. HE had been depressed (I thought for quite some time.) We continued physical and I found out through someone I didn't know that he had been sexting and on all sorts of social media.I confronted he had attitude but admitted. I found more and more. He admitted to addiction - wanted help. Told me to protect myself and our child. I offered forgiveness and love. I then found out he had an in-person affair. I locked him out of our lives. He came around and we decided to try. He asked for threesomes. Despite my heart knowing this was not me I agreed to try to move that way. I am sexual - there is no issue with that and he admits that it is him. I believe he just can't see how to change. He's gone down a road he chose and feels hopeless to change while at the same time enjoying. He moved home after 8 months. Was at home for about a year.. I tried to forgive but the lack of trust was overwhelming. He promised open access to accounts and I never got. The more he hid the more I couldn't open up. I got angrier and angrier. Snappy. Naggy.

Blew up in January. All three times I have instigated the conversations that lead to bombs. I ask what's wrong, communicate etc. And here we are.

His activities are beginning to be known and he has made overtures to people we know. Including one lady I warned and warned tries to cause issue and hurt people. She swings and tries to break up relationships. She has made sure I know of the rumours.

I asked my H about them. He denied but admitted to having her as a FB friend (I am off all social media) and that they met up in a public place not saying why for anonymity but she had her daughter with her nothing sexual. Knowing what she's like and it not being sexual is almost worse. If she is not important in anyway then why risk the fallout with me? Why disrespect his child's mother this way?

My H that was a good strong Christian man has lied about it all in the past. Tells me nothings wrong and the next thing I know has left me. No one else then I find out online pictures, then years of sexting, webcaming, phonecalls with women and an in-person affair. The 'OW' is a liar. She is known to lie. Known to create situations and try to worm her way in. THe problem is he opened the door regardless of whether there is anything sexual. Even if we were never together again he totally disrespected me and my feelings. He agreed never to go there.

Sigh. He has been gone 3 months. He initiated sexual contact twice now. I never ask where he goes, who he's with. I know from before I went dark on social media that he was going down his road on twitter etc. After the first month or so I have refused to discuss relationship. First month or so I did the tears, the crying the why what's wong with ME??? I lost a lot of weight after our first separation and have kept it mostly off. I am bubbly and ok looking. I love intimacy with my H and yet I'm over 40 so feel old, used up and like I won't ever be intimate again. AND, I don't want anyone but H.

I don't hate him. I hate his activities and sometimes that crosses over. I don't know how to ever get past all the lies. BUT I believe God is telling me to wait. To be patient. To pray. That he will restore my husband and my marriage. I do still love my husband. I just don't know what to do.

I am meeting with a Christian mentor once a week, I have met with counsellors in the past (hubby won't tried briefly but sits angry so nothing worthwhile) and haven't found that it helps. I cannot afford counselling or help that isn't covered by my plan as finances are very tough.

I bought DB and am just about half-way through. I am working through a book called Courageous Gentleness. I am trying not to allow myself to isolate (my typical response) and trying not to let my anger and hurt over take.

I am blurting I know but there are so many nuances. I panic that he is with others. I never have been and it hurts me to the absolute core. I need a plan. I need support from people that don't see me as crazy for even contemplating that he can change. HELP!!