I have been married 8 years and I have 2 young children. I am 35 and my W is 30. For the past several years, our marriage has been in decline... loss of communication, loss of emotional and physical connection/intimacy, etc.
My wife had her first EA with OM about 3 years ago. The OM was a guy she met in a class she was taking at a Community College. When I confronted her, she broke down emotionally and apologized profusely. She voluntarily cut off contact with the OM and we reconciled. In retrospect, we never really healed our marriage. Things just continued as they were.
In August 2014, my wife started another EA by telephone/text with an old boyfriend. He lives a few hundred miles away in her home town. I discovered the EA in December 2014. When I confronted her this time, she refused to end the affair. She told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted to separate. In January 2014, while I was traveling for work, she met with him and the affair became physical (one time only).
We still live together. She wanted to leave back in January but quickly realized that she has no financial means to move out and provide for herself. She is a stay-at-home mom and student.
She has continued the EA by phone/text. Hundreds of text messages every day and hours on the phone while I'm at work. She even texts him throughout the evening while I'm sitting right next to her on the sofa and hours into the night after I go to bed. She still shows no sign of stopping the EA and no interest in reconciling with me.
I have been generally following the guidance found in DR by MWD, ignoring the affair and trying to provide a more attractive alternative. I have also been trying to recreate attraction in our marriage without being needy, etc. We actually get along like best friends but she never lets it go any further. Nothing is working. We are stuck in "neutral". At times, it feels like things are getting even colder.
I know I have been less affectionate with my W over the years (her biggest complaint) but I also know that my wife is generally unhappy with her life. She complains that we married too young, had kids too young, she feels like she lost her youth, she's unhappy with the status of her education/career goals, and her relationship with her mother/father has never been good. She is the product of divorced parents and a mother who cheated on her father throughout their marriage. She fails to take responsibility for her problems and blames me for all her unhappiness. She has become very self absorbed of late.
At this point, I feel like she may be using me until she can get "on her feet" and leave. I also know that she has always handled stress poorly. She becomes anxious very easily and also may have been depressed at different times during our marriage. I talked to her about depression a while ago. At first she agreed that she had been depressed, then the next day she denied it entirely.
I'm looking for advice. Here are a few specific questions but all advice is welcome:
What should I be doing now?
Boundaries? Out of respect for me and our home, should I ask her not to engage in the EA (texting) while I'm at home with her?
What should I do if she wants to travel to see the OM again?
I know every situation is different but, for those who have reconciled, how long did it take on average?
In my situation, how should I interact with her? Like I said, we still act like best friends. We do everything together.
How do I disengage but stay out of the "Friend zone"?
Should I consider contacting the OM and ask him to stop the affair?
