We both went to MC today. Just did a joint visit. Pretty good visit actually.
We discussed a broad range of topics. MC mentioned that there was a huge breach of trust with the infidelity and typically there is a big pendulum swing the other way with respect to getting the trust back (regarding full transparency and no contact). She reassured W that this was only temporary. She mentioned that boundaries cannot be crossed with this, but there does need to be patience and commitment on both sides for this to work, along with mutual respect. She mentioned that it will be difficult for W on her end, there will be steps forward, steps back, and there are stages. First of which is ensuring OM is completely out of the picture. With respect to the continued contact and password change, I mentioned that it would have worked out a lot more positively and better overall if it was all mentioned up front. MC asked W, we all agreed on this.
MC mentioned some of the things I was pursuing to GAL, and was getting out of W what she was doing for herself, healthy outside relationships that do not involve OM. Whenever W would mention something, MC would ask, "would the OM be involved with any of these?" W would respond no. MC was essentially encouraging W to GAL herself, but healthily with other women and support outside of OM. Something I have been encouraging for a long time prior to this sitch.
MC mentioned that a healthy outlet needs to be had for both of us to express anger and our overall feelings. That it is normal and necessary for relationships. She asked how we dealt with difficult conversations and anger in the past and how they have changed since. I replied honestly, that it would normally escalate pretty quickly (raised voice, blame) and nothing would get accomplished, but now that has been toned down substantially on my end and it is a lot more calm and we can actually have more of a conversation, even if it does resort to bodily harm being mentioned.
MC asked W how her IC is going. W responded that the last appointment did not go well at all. W mentioned that apparently all they talk about is her stresses with school and chemical dependency, has not mentioned anything about the A. MC said that it does best to speak with them about everything, not just select topics. W is apparently not comfortable speaking with her IC about everything. I asked about this in the car ride home and if she was thinking about finding someone else and if a female IC would be better for her. She said yes, and she will look.
Overall, everything the MC made mention of lines up with what is said in DB/DR. For both W and I. Gave me more of a positive feeling. MC asked if we were committed and wanted to come back next week. W looked at me, nodded yes, I said, yes that sounds good. MC got a smile on her face with that, felt comforting.
At home, W came up to me and asked me if I saw the new FB message from OM. I had not. She said what is said and I asked what she wanted to do about it. W said that she was not going to respond to it and block him. I waited a little. I said, and in a somewhat attempt to see where her mind was, "lets wait until this evening, send one more simple message to let him know that it cannot go on." She responded, "I would rather just delete it and block him." Good. I then mentioned that I felt that there would be a much more positive outcome if we were both just straight forward with each other with our feelings, regardless of the topic, and sooner than later. She agreed.
In the course of this sitch, I have been taking note of what W says about our experiences in the past. It went from "all negative," to "everything is my fault," (W's), to "everything is your fault," (toward me), to "there were some positives," to this last time (Tuesday), "most of it was positive."
