Kramer's Journey

[rob123]

Having said all that, I don't feel that I am progressing as well as most of you. I am still overwhelmingly depressed, to the point of being non productive at work and just existing in my day to day life. I know that it's not healthy, and I try to occupy my time doing things, but I'm just going through the motions. I feel hollow, empty, and hopeless. I keep ruminating on my broken marriage, and am having difficulty accepting just how disposable I was. While I am mired in depression, my wife seems happy, content, and involved in her new relationship. The few email contacts between us are cold and distant. We have no verbal or physical contact. It's almost as if she has read the DB playbook, and is doing GAL herself (and succeeding).

I will continue regular counseling and GAL activities, because I don't know what else to do. I'm still trying to figure out how to work on my interpersonal issues if there isn't a partner to recognize those changes. How do I correct my controlling personality if there is noone to control? How can I work on emotional selfishness if I am the only one there? How can I work on validation if there is noone to validate?

So confusing and frustrating...

I did a bit of meditation before bed last night. It started off as the normal, Why Me? Why Us? What happened to our M? Why is my W acting like this?, desperation thoughts. I then began wondering how my W could be seeming to handle this so well? I thought this dang meditation was supposed to clear the mind, not muddy the mind!

I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will understand it. However, it may be best that I don't understand it. I also realized since the BD 3 weeks ago, I have been avoiding contact with my family, her family, my friends. I kept telling people that I simply was dealing with some internal issues and did not care to discuss them. Then, I believe I had a moment of clarity. How weak of a person am I that I would let this effect my relationship with my family and my friends?

It is very weird, but my W's mother and father have reached out to me and told me, in their words, that they are extremely sorry for what my W has done and that they stand with me and our children. While it is good to hear that, it doesn't change anything. My W has completely cut off communication with her family. She never was very outgoing to them anyway, but now, it is really radio silence.

Not sure this really helps you here, but just wanted to reach out to others on the site. Just remember, I may seem strong right now, but just give me 15 minutes and that may change. HA