Thanks, V. There is a part of me that wants H good points to be true and hopes he is not the soulless person I feel his actions show - but a guy that just had enough of me and once loved me. I always knew the driving thing was an act, deep down. Last July I wrote in my journal that I thought that and other things were building to a move for D.
I hate that part of me right now that still hopes. I want to stand for my M but I believe it will result in only more drawnout grief for me if I do. I broke the cycle, and like you said earlier, he is being rewarded and not punished. He did not want in this marriage. I am already embarrassed I begged him not to sleep with other people until the divorce papers final. I am embarrassed I beg him to talk to other people about this and to try to reflect.
I don't think that I actually want him. I don't think that I respect him, but I miss the idea of our M with all its history hopes and dreams. I miss feeling loved by someone I used to think was so special, whom I loved. The rejection is hurting and upsetting, I think I hope because I want the man who left me feeling discarded and kicked to pick me up and tell me it never really happened. I want to not feel worthless but that is in my hands now, not his power over me. I want to feel like I didn't cause him to feel this, that I wasn't at fault, but I no longer believe DR applies here. Our M just looked like work to him and he no longer needed me.
Maybe tomorrow I will contact him and ask if he is ready to sign the agreement and D papers.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
