Thanks Edz and Pink. Edz, I will try and remember what you say - not that I am fantastic, but that I am enough - as Berne Brown would say. I have felt so emotional since watching her TED talks. I do think I carry feelings of shame with me - not even about anything specific - but a general feeling that 'flawed me' isn't somehow good enough. And, as Brown explains - being vulnerable means we connect more with others. I think I often put up a bit of a wall and just present myself as I think others want me to be - rather than just accepting myself and being authentic. It's something to look at, and I ordered one of Brown's books last night.
And Pink, thanks for your thought too. Even HXW called him my ex-husband today...
I didn't manage to deflect the questions from SS's Mum this morning, and we had a very emotional morning. She and he said that me being in their lives has made such a difference and they want us to stay in touch - to be at his wedding and be a grandparent. They call me his 'other Mum.' Since I have been gone, he said that he notices all the things I used to do for him, that he didn't really appreciate until suddenly they just stopped being done. He said his Dad doesn't seem to notice stuff that needs doing, and I would always notice and look after things.
I said one of the things I regret was being a bit of a control freak, and an anxious step mum. I wished I had just relaxed a bit more & had some more fun time. He said I did get on his nerves sometimes, but he always knew it was in his best interests. I told them that I struggled with the fact that I just left and 'abandoned the family.' And they said they didn't see it that way at all.
SS knows that the house is going to be sold soon, and says he will be glad because he won't have to see his Dad so much as he'll be further away. He said he sees his Dad less now, as his Dad is away more. We had a chat about how important it is to have a R with both your Mum & Dad, even if there are times when that feels harder, and you have to work at it more. I told him that I always thought he and his Dad had a special bond.
It was kind of good to have the convo, and may help to lay some things to rest for us all. But I had always resisted, as I hadn't wanted SS to have to handle my grief...I think I would have been okay were it not for Berne Brown. They have headed home now - but it was a nice visit. I'm going to regroup and head out to the bookstore for a couple of hours. Hopefully, I'll feel calmer after that...
Hope you are all having a good day x
Last edited by Toots; 04/16/1512:10 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
