On the brink, need a miracle

[Onguard]

Starsky, thank you for all of the guidance that you have given me as well as countless others who are struggling to save thier marriages.

The momentum shift has continued over the past couple of weeks. I am getting stronger and she is doing more and more pursuing. Yesterday I was very busy going about my day and not paying much attention to her. I left the house to go pick up a new car and she called me as soon as I pulled out of the driveway. She asked me "why are you punishing me?" I said, I'm not, what are you talking about. She then went on to say how much she missed me and wanted to "Give our marriage a try with both feet in". She said things to me yesterday that I never thought I would hear:

"You used to tell me that I was acting like an alien had taken over my body. Well, you were right and looking back on the last year I cannot believe the things I did and said"

"I see you and I, 2 years from now, holding hands and walking on a beach. More in love than ever and knowing our relationship will never be vulnerable to anything like this again"

"Thank you for not letting go and for giving me a chance to come to my senses. You certainly had every right and reason to move on and it shows me how strong your love really is".

"I will never forgive myself for the choices I made and the pain I caused you".

There are more but I think you get the idea. However, even though she is clearly having a major shift in her emotions, she has still not agreed to total transparency. It has been a while since I asked for that but she knows it's a condition for me. She also has not stopped going to the fitness studio where she met her ap (who still teaches there). She goes at times when he is not there but knows how I feel about it.

My schedule is very full for the next 6 weeks and she knows it. I email her my forward calendar on a regular basis. There are a number of business trips as well as 2 personal trips with my friends. My GAL activities are in full force and I am loving it!

It is very emotional watching her "wake up" from this MLC as she is now calling it. So many nights I tried to accept that she was gone forever and I had no choice but to move on without her. What is even more interesting is watching her try to divorce-bust me! I can see her fear. She keeps asking me if I have met someone else. She sees that I am no longer suffering from depression and I am looking better than I have looked in 5 years. She sees that I am no longer focused on her. She is trying to act strong and display a take it or leave it attitude at times. For example, we have a date night scheduled this Friday at her request and she said yesterday that if I was really not sure about working on our marriage that we should just cancel Friday night. I responded by saying that I would like to have a pleasant, casual dinner with no relationship talk and that if she wanted something else then yes, we should cancel. I told her that I need more time to adjust to the new/old me. The non-depressed me. This past 18 months has been a nightmare and I am focused on engaging life again.

I really don't know what I want. I don't know if I can forgive her for abandoning me when I needed her most and for betraying me by having an affair. I will never forget the things she did or said to me while I was suffering so much. It feels very good to see her coming back to reality but I need to decide if I can forgive her and trust her again.