Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Zeus - illuminating reading. Possibly depressing, given i know where it ended up. I can appreciate your growth and so on, I just mean how you hoped for the M work, and months later - it hasn't turned out that way. ATM anyway. You seemed to be calling her STBX very early on. was that just a title, a premonition, or a forced perception/ recognition?

I got angry with my W, never physical, she was never scared (that i know of), until a few occasions after BD. once when i threw things (soft things) at the wall, and another time when I kept following her and wouldn't let her close the car door. actually earlier that day i yelled at her on the phone. that scared her. i can make excuses that she baited me the whole time, so it was not like a 1-sided thing, we were fighting, BUT still it is unforgiveable. i'm ashamed to have ever been that person AND if she never comes back thats understandable.

I would love to apologise to her, again, without any strings attached. I have done that before, maybe with a lesser understanding of my role/faults. It was pointless then and I think it will be now. Her position was understandably that it's too late. Even if everything changed that needed to be, its too late. I suspect this is not an uncommon position for the STBX to be in or vocalise. I am terrified that this is the eternal truth. I wouldn't blame her one little bit, from the depths of my heart I have felt this way for a long time, before BD even, which only serves now to make it more real, and realistic a future. Great, now i've scared myself into depression.