Man, this "how to proceed" is what I think about every day.
Just wanted to say, I told W I made it through 'grief' two days after BD.....WRONG. I'm 8 months in and see that its still there. Are you seeing an IC? I've never, ever thought I would need to see one, but she's awesome. I'm a logical thinker and she can totally bridge the emotional side and put them in terms I understand. Go make an appointment, it takes a while; but you'll be happy you have one.
As far as family, for me; WW just BD (no prior issues that I knew of in our M) and then simply left....me, her house, her kids, etc. I literally thought she was having a mental breakdown. I called her mom, her sis, friends. I was worried sick about her. She wasn't talking to them, so I gave them updates, had them trying to talk to her. My WW kept telling me this was a 'private' matter, I was like "It could have been but you just left your kids behind"...anyway. Pretty much everything I shouldn't have done. Well, then I found out about OM and WW has used the fact that I told people (I didn't tell ANY of her family about OM, still not sure if they know or not) to hide behind her pushing everyone away.
So, dang-ed if you do..dang-ed if you don't.
Here's how I would proceed. Focus on SD...its gut wrenching "making" yourself do stuff. I went to a museum and halfway through saw a couple holding hands and had to leave because I was starting to break down. It happens, but it will get better. I internet-promise you.
Give W her space, you can't fix it. I still struggle with this.
You're kids are my kids age. They know what's going on, its uncanny. Take them bowling, for ice cream, pizza, bounce houses, parks, whatever. Focus on them, their zeal for life will instantly pick you up. Have fun with them.
I go through every day with these thoughts going through my head at some point. This has gotten exponentially easier, but I'm sure you're in the same boat.
Why didn't she talk to me about her troubles? What could I have done differently? When did she change? become unhappy? Why doesn't she see what this is doing to the kids? How do I make it easier for her to come back? What do I say to her if she gets out of her fog? What if I get served? and so on and so on and so on.
But these questions don't consume me anymore. I used to sit at my computer at work and just stare at the screen, not anymore. Time is our friend, Look out for SD.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
