MY STORY IS UGLY BUT AT LEAST IM LEARNING

[Zues126]

Parker, I hesitate to say this because there are no excuses- you are 100% accountable for your choices. I can see, though, that after the first A and how easily it was forgiven, how you might have another. And how this could quickly turn into a way of life. I've always thought a one night stand was different than serial affairs, but with no consequences it makes sense that it could play out that way. Had your W drawn serious boundaries and drawn a line in the sand you might have been forced to a decision much sooner. LET THIS BE A LESSON FOR THE LBS'S THAT LET THEIR H BACK TO EASILY!

I'm trying hard to empathize, but don't you dare let that distract you from the big task at hand. The problem with her not standing up for her boundaries and for you taking advantage of that is that she allowed you to hurt her much more deeply and for a much longer period of time than most women would ever have. So instead of it being "ow, that hurt, don't do that!" and you being like "ok, won't happen again!", it was like "I can take it, I can take it, I can take it" for many years, and now she's just beyond her ability to cope with pain.

So unfortunately it is a tough hill to climb. I'm not saying it can't be done. But I do mourn for your loss. Yes, it was brought about in large part by your actions, but just because someone committed the crime doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see a fellow human suffer. And I know how much you are suffering.

OK. Back to your growth. Let me ask you this- you mention insecurity, control. Those are things I can identify with. For me it was porn. It was that I didn't feel ok on my own, and I needed a woman's love and admiration to make me feel ok. It scared the heck out of me to depend on my W for that. In fact, I resented her because I needed her so much...I was upset that she had the ability to make me feel fulfilled or rejected (this was how I perceived it at the time). Since sex was my biggest love language to fill those needs I used porn to try to "diversify", not allow my W to have total control over my happiness. At times I felt this made it easier for me to manage because I didn't rely solely on her, but in the end I grew resentful again that she wasn't able to fulfill my needs to my satisfaction.

So to sum up- it was her job to make me happy, I resented that she wasn't able to do that, and that I depended on her so much. Thus I used porn and/or pressured her for sex in controlling ways.

_)*&_((*&T^(). It still stinks to have to write that out. Arg. Why was it so hard? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I screwed up. Deep breath. Ok. Ok. Let it go. It's done.

But anyway, I've learned that it's MY job to make myself happy. Not hers. If you can remove the need/expectation/pressure from your partner then you have a shot at a reasonable relationship. I'm guessing most of the other negative stuff you did was either to control her behavior or out of resentment from your inability to do so. So again, it can be changed.

That was my experience. What parts of this can you relate to?