The other night when I found the email from the OM, W seemed rather distressed, and I was assuming she was working through getting over OM, so she got space. I was getting S3 to bed. I came out, W was already in bed before I could speak to her about her friend. I did ask what was wrong, she responded "I feel terrible." I asked about what. Silence. Asked again, and more silence. I just said, "OK" and left assuming it was her continuing to get over OM.
Yesterday, find out W sends an email to OM, letting him know how horrible she felt and that she was hoping for a response from him. Great. Another email out from her a little later, claiming she had found his first email and mentioned some interesting things along the lines of her being forced to, she wanted to be with him. Wonderful...completely negates the NC letter. However, in the end she says that she cannot, even though her friend was actually encouraging it, that she could not and for him to go find someone else. A little bit later, her password is changed.
I confront her on this, asking why her password was changed. "I feel too controlled." I told her how I felt about the matter. We agreed upon this, it was for both of us. There is supposed to be absolutely no contact and full transparency. She revealed to me that she was miserable and cut herself the prior day and that she wishes she could just do it until she is done. I pull out my phone and ask her what the number of her therapist is and if I need to call 911. Silence. Looking at her, it just looks like she is trying to guilt me.
I go to her bathroom, find the blade and take it, along with a couple of other things she is not supposed to have due to her drug testing. She hears me and comes storming down the hall, grabs the bag and attempts to try and use force to get the knife out of my hand. "Give that back, I have had that for a long time." All I can think with that is, what kind of response is that? I very calmly tell her to please calm down and to stop, repeatedly, as I work my way down the hall. She continues to attempt to use force. I continue to try and calm her down and get her to stop. She finally does, and sits down on the couch.
We have a little talk about why she feels the need to resort to that, and how I felt she really needs to get more and/or better help if that is where she goes. That I am not going to tolerate it at all and I am not going to let her do that. How I understood she felt that I did not do enough before when she was using, but it is not going to happen like that again. The next time she pulls the hurting herself/death card, it is 911 right off the bat, regardless of her intent.
She told me that she feels like she has no control with anything. I told her I understand, but I cannot have someone crossing or disrespecting me all the time, and I am going to take control of what I have control of to make sure that does not happen.
S3 calls for one of us, W responds and tends to him. I get up, go outside, break the blade and throw it in the trash. Hide all of the other blades and knives in the house. Come back in, and she was in the kitchen. She tells me that there was nothing else after that last email. I then asked, "then why did the password get changed, were you trying to provoke me or something?" With a kind of remorseful look and tone, "maybe?" We talk about some of the content, and how I felt about it. She mentions that I keep telling her "do this, or else this." I remind her what boundaries are. She needs someone else telling her this, and really everything I tell her for that matter.
After this, she was actually all buddy-buddy with me, granted that could have been around S3. This morning, she again was being buddy-buddy with me. On leaving, I ask for her new password. She gave it to me.
Yesterday, I had a good talk with our MC on the phone as she had to cancel my IC/pre-MC appointment. I mentioned to her how W has emailed OM again and let the MC know that I am not going to force W to go, but I will still come in on my own for that matter. I discuss with her about DB and the online forums, how they have helped me tremendously through this. She had not heard of it, but claimed she would look into it. She offered meeting with me individually prior to the MC appointment, I asked her that we can do that if it can be portrayed as part of her therapy as I did not want W thinking we were ganging up on her. She agreed, saying we can do half me (so we can talk more about DB and some other things), and half W, then joint at the end to wrap it up.
Tonight, W told me how her mom laid into her again. W said that she feels like her mom never supported her in her recovery (says this about me too at times). I do validate, and tell her that we all have supported her in her recovery completely. I then mention to her that I felt like her mom and family was more reacting this way because of the A, reminding her that it brought a dark age of their past back (W still hates her father for this very reason). I told her that I was actually trying to calm them down on the matter (for a long time I did, but then just let it go), but I cannot control them or their feelings.
Later on, I ask W what her day was going to be tomorrow. She said she was planning to go to MC with me. I tell her that it is only worthwhile if we are both committed. W claimed that she is and the emails were just "something small." I respond, "the content of the emails, and the fact that there was contact even though we agreed upon none does not make it feel that way, and I do not agree with it being small."
