Maybell XXXIV: Expecto Patronum!

[Vanilla]

MB

You can say "no thank you, I will drop the kids off as arranged" and then STFU.

Toss your hair and jaunt off, Miss Piggy style.

V

[Maybell]

Thank you all.

I sent him an email to say No.

I gave too much explanation, but frankly just saying no pushed me outside my comfort zone. I grew up being told that work was more important than anything else in the world because we couldn't let Dad become unemployed. So for me to say no to something I was asked to do because he needed to take a work trip was harder than it ought to have been for me.

He's not happy but I don't care. This is what he signed up for.

He did schedule the one job I delegated for him but he is unlikely to see it through because of work commitments.

I am SERIOUSLY stressed waiting on the settlement counter offer and trying to get the house in shape for pictures, etc. I want to throw up. I have only been home ten minutes because of kid activities and I had to have a conversation with STBX about pricing the house because I'm the one who spoke to the realtor. All the back up places I had thought I might rent are off the market and the one house I could potentially buy is going up tomorrow and probably will sell before I'm ready to buy.

Jesus take the wheel, because nobody else knows where this bus is going.

No, I didn't need to get mad at him for asking. But phrasing of the email suggested "Oh, I tried, but it's not going to work, so you're going to have to rescue me." NOBODY is rescuing me and he hasn't even asked how my housing search is going or anything. I have hit my limit and I don't want to be asked anything else.

Also, my boss at work has made several REALLY huge mistakes in the last few weeks and today she gave me a really hard time over not binding a handout to her liking. It wasn't wrong -- she just didn't like how it was done. And I didn't even do the binding. I was supposed to but I got hung up with fixing an internet issue (at her request), so my co-worker did it. But she's standing there saying it in the faux-nice way people sometimes do, and it seemed petty to say "But I have done the last 30 of them right, and I didn't do this one." I just said, "OK." The person who did it spoke up for me which was kind, but all things considered it was just one thing too many for today.

I need a vacation. But I wont' have any till I have to go spend a week with my family in July. And I don't get enough vacation to do anything else than that. And I'm probably going to have to take at least one vacation day to move and I've already been told it will be unpaid. And none of these things should be that big of a deal, except that I'm tired and I feel like I'm being pecked to death.

[SunnyB]

MB. Good for you for saying no. I know I would have caved because it was for work. Heck, I caved so he could go to a music festival and ogle intoxicated bikini clad women the same age as his son. But I don't see the point in making D12 hang with a sitter if I'm not actually doing anything. At least you have real plans.

I'm sorry this is such a stressful time for you. Focus on what you want a year from now and realize this is all part of getting there.

[Maybell]

^^^^^^^^

I think maybe I had to get mad because I'm learning to pay attention to my feelings. And if I hadn't gotten mad then I would have just said OK and let him take advantage of me again. But because I got mad this time, when I finally noticed it was a boundary issue for me, then I said no. And in the future maybe it will be easier for me to recognize boundary issues without getting mad. So that's growth, right?

And it really was a not very good day.

And I'm tired because I just tried to teach 6 first grade boys how to tie their shoes. And I don't think any of them learned. But I did succeed in teaching them all slip knots and square knots, and how to decide when to use each one. And also how to properly untie a knot, which none of them knew before.

[claire7]

Maybell,
Remember that pact we sort of made?

Try, just to try it, to focus on the positives of the day. Instead of seeing small movement forward (you, the boys) as failure to reach the ultimate goal, re frame it as "success at making movement forward!!!"

And not just a "well, fine I guess that's growth" kind of way. More like, "hot damn!! That's GROWTH!!! Woo hoo!!!" kind of way.

And let go of some of your resentment.
(Says Claire to herself, too).
(My STBX sent a perfectly polite and even complimentary email to me today in which he also brought up a trip he's planning with his family. My first thought was "I hate him".

This is all so hard, but what amazing, self-reflective and powerful people we are becoming.

Hang in there.

[Mozza]

My STBX sent a perfectly polite and even complimentary email to me today in which he also brought up a trip he's planning with his family. My first thought was "I hate him".

Claire7, I'm very pleased to read this. In fact, I'm impressed. It shows a lot of self-awareness, which is often a step to something better.

[Vanilla]

MB

The anger is a sign your boundary is infringed. it's the flag up the flag pole in your castle or fort (Al Turtle) saying time to enforce. You can enforce without the full on anger emerging and becoming a screaming banshee, just have the soldiers stand down and use a couple of warriors to watch the defence walls.

Anger is your friend.

Welcome it as it changes you and gives you strength when you need it. Acting on your boundary issue will stop the resentment later on. I for one am glad you found your No strength, great oaks from little acorns grow. Your castle is defended, boundary intact.

V

[Ggrass]

My STBX sent a perfectly polite and even complimentary email to me today in which he also brought up a trip he's planning with his family. My first thought was "I hate him".

Claire7, I'm very pleased to read this. In fact, I'm impressed. It shows a lot of self-awareness, which is often a step to something better.

Yeah, I get the hate bit. It happened recently I just hate that h plays games but won't allow anyone else there needs. Sigh.

[labug]

^^^^^^^^

I think maybe I had to get mad because I'm learning to pay attention to my feelings. And if I hadn't gotten mad then I would have just said OK and let him take advantage of me again. But because I got mad this time, when I finally noticed it was a boundary issue for me, then I said no. And in the future maybe it will be easier for me to recognize boundary issues without getting mad. So that's growth, right?

And it really was a not very good day.

And I'm tired because I just tried to teach 6 first grade boys how to tie their shoes. And I don't think any of them learned. But I did succeed in teaching them all slip knots and square knots, and how to decide when to use each one. And also how to properly untie a knot, which none of them knew before.

I have to because I remember when I told my IC I didn't realize when I started feeling my emotions, there would be soooo many! And some weren't pleasant. I had been pretty numb for a long time.

You've received some great advice, you feel the anger for a reason. You figure out what the source is, you deal with it and let it go. Anger isn't good when we hold on to it and feed it and stroke it like a pet named Resentment.

It's going to take your H a while to realize that you're no longer going to take care of him. You were too good at your job.

[Maybell]

Tough, tough, tough day. I don't think I can say much about it except that I just got a huge slap in the face from stbx that says he didn't value me as a wife at all, and a lot of what I was hoping to be able to do for my kids may be out of reach.

On top of that he still insists on sending the kids back early on the disputed weekend though he says he'll pay for a sitter.

I lived through so many red flags just because I was married. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything but if I'd taken his behavior seriously years ago I could have avoided all this.