Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

Pyrite, do you see any correlation here? Seeing other people's points of view is not limited to your W. It's a way of relating to everyone. Unless you are offering statistics from research studies, your FACT remains your point of view. For you to invalidate every woman here with a casual "sorry, ladies", needs a re-think. (Also, originally, we were talking financially and your statement seems to have shifted to custody, not the same thing at all.)

I'm rooting for you, Pyrite. I like the FACT that you keep posting, that you seems to be listening. You just need some time to get the hang of putting it all into practice. Keep at it.

point taken - but as some one endures international peer review I am certainly no stranger to the concept and rigorously tested on this.

I can dig up monstrous statistics to back me up on the custody. I have read them before. In so far as property - it is less straight forward to begin with. and you are right that my response was out of step in that regard

inavalidating - i think you have noted that it is not exactly invalidating if "their" opinion is factually incorrect. Literally I suppose it is (even the word "literally" now has different definitions in different dictionaries) still invalidating. And in polite conversation I just keep my mouth shut. Especially in circles where I dont really care what they think anyway.

The "ladies" who commented were noting an exception to a generalisation. This does not invalidate the generalisation. Which is what i was defending. I also qualified this as the position i know to be true here. I suspect in most places. Why is another story, and I actually dont disagree. Mothers are generally the natural choice to be the full time carers.

anyway, my first post after a trying night. sorry for you to cop the brunt. thanks for the encouragement. please read my next post as well - i am determined to keep posting, keep listening, keep learning.

[Pyrite]

How about starting now, you start practicing your listening and validation skills. You're already walking in like you EXPECT things to go bad. You have a say in how it turns out. You can just as well not have things go South if you actually start trying.

All afternoon i have been replaying Mr Bonds advice in my head. I read some things about validation, communication, LRT etc. I felt well equipped to face the W tonight. I was actually calm an even confident.

I picked up D4 as previously posted. we had a great time. we went to my sisters for dinner and called W to let her know. I was very quiet, only said hello and prompted D4 to start speaking. W cracked it at me. I was silent while she ranted about how much talking with me lately pissed her off. Irrelevant that I was silent i guess. Also that I was manipulative (Not that this isn't generally true, but about what in this case she wasn't explicit)

Got to my sisters and out of earshot of D4, told her that W is getting crazy angry. Last night she yelled at me for paying too much attention to Ds on my watch and so my fault D4 wants me in her week. Then took her home. W yelled at me for coming at bad time. Now D4 would have to sit by herself while D1.5 was put to sleep. “OK, I said lightheartedly, I will sit with her.” and proceeded into house chatting with D4. Baby wanted a cuddle. so i took her from Mum. She pushed Mum away when she tried to take her back. Not so surprising, avoiding sleep. So I just took the initiative (like old times) and took her off to bed myself. She was crying a bit so W came into her bedroom to take her back. Again she pushed her away, and this time she knew I was going to sleep her as well. Again no biggy, kids do this. W closed the door behind her. I calmed baby and said some nice things about her Mum. Then I noticed she was hiding behind the door. She heard me. 30 minutes sleeping the baby I felt really good.

She had pushed my buttons but I remained calm, focused on listening and validating. Now, baby who I couldn't be brainwashing actually does want to be with her Dad (she feels comfortable with me NOT saying she prefers me or anything), and she heard saying nice things about her to baby.

Then I went back to living room. W was teary. D4 was sad. wants me to sleep in house with her. actually said I want to all live together. when can we live together. W quickly chimed in with std “complicated, grown ups, argue too much, etc”. I hate it, the real reason is because W refuses to work on our M is the real reason - but for sake of Ds I go along with it. Then W mouths that D4 revealed he doesn't like her Mum. I can see the tears in her eyes. She yells at me again. Again I validate. It’s easy when I genuinely feel sorry for her. Anyway, I do my best to calm D4 and make quick exit.

15 minutes earlier I felt great. I felt calm and in control. Now I still mostly felt calm and in control but not good at all . I think I will try harder to get D4 to open up to her Mum. She has seen enough on her own to piece together the situation. But I will redouble efforts to make sure she never overhears anything from me.
It is ironic how the situation feels like it has reversed. The calmer I am, the more frantic she becomes.

[Cadet]

It is ironic how the situation feels like it has reversed. The calmer I am, the more frantic she becomes.

Your seeing DB at work here.

[MrBond]

" I hate it, the real reason is because W refuses to work on our M is the real reason - but for sake of Ds I go along with it."

You still haven't changed. Still enjoy blaming everything on the W and not take responsibility. Here's a newsflash: that rush you felt wasn't confidence. It was arrogance. It was you thinking that your D was on YOUR SIDE and your W has nothing. It's you seeing it as being you and your D against your W.

You still haven't started to change at all it seems.

[Pyrite]

i have considered this since Monday, last week when it started to resurface and the week before that. and YES i would be lying if I claimed that it wasn't NICE to feel that D is on my "side" (and of course she is). BUT sorry tot disappoint you Mr Bond, but this wasn't it at all.

I am committed to helping smooth things out with my D and her relationship with her Mum. CALMLY it occurred to me last night things I could talk to her about, but it wasn't the time or place. For everyones sake I had to diffuse things and get out, not dwell on it.

I felt in control BECAUSE i didn't have an agenda, which is a new feeling for me and hence noticeable. Arrogance I know very well.

[Pyrite]

well i did have an agenda - but it wasn't to promote MY cause. ironically it is, as ultimately everything is selfishly motivated and MY cause stems from LRT perhaps, but this is the best way forward for everybody yeah? Regardless of whether I attract her back to the M. Thats how I understand it/ justify it.

[MrBond]

"BUT sorry tot disappoint you Mr Bond, but this wasn't it at all."

Then you don't understand yourself. Fact is, if you honestly changed, you wouldn't have even thought " I hate it, the real reason is because W refuses to work on our M is the real reason - but for sake of Ds I go along with it."

Still blaming your W and enjoying your D on your side. It's so obvious to us because it's practically bleeding out of your posts. You don't seem to want to listen. Thing is that we see things the way your W is seeing things. They may not be the way that YOU WANT them to be seen, but that doesn't matter.

[Pyrite]

Fair enough criticism - I just get angry when confronted with this on the spot. and post was pretty much on the spot as well. Truth is i DO cycle between blaming her and not.

it does still annoy me that she "chose" this path for us, and apart from anything else I might be left with, I have to cover her tracks. but I also realise that I laid the path.

They may not be the way that YOU WANT them to be seen, but that doesn't matter.

-thats one reason for my posting, the insight. also venting, support, advice, encouragement.

[Pyrite]

Z- still want to get back to these. in my off week i have to make up hours at work. Plus have had issues with D4 every night so far. Have to get back to DR and then read your earlier posts. - Thanks

[Pyrite]

is it that i am taking away her ability to play the victim in her own eyes. Whether or not she is, do I want to be making her angry at all? The immediate fix I see would be to bite again. there is enough potential there for me to do this anyway, so certainly dont want to pursue this. strangely it hurts me to see her hurting, and i haven't really felt this since BD. i tell myself that this is better for her in the long run as well - again regardless of the outcome with the M.