I thought everything was okay....(Part 5)

[MCS]

Thank you for this. I hadn't even considered doing this.

Be careful with this SadDood, you're really early. My advice is let your emotions balance out a little, if not the temptation of 'moving on' may make you pursue stuff you shouldn't. Just my 2 cents.

One comforting thing about this site is that we all bear a heavy heart and have been through the ringer. I'm much more detached now, especially since I've taken control of the sitch. I love my wife and the life we've built together, but part of me wonders if it would be much better if I were to just file for D and move on. I'm still trying to wrap my head around DBing as so much of it is counterintuitive and difficult to actually practice. I'm in so much pain, despite being more detached, I often wonder if I'll ever find someone again.

So, I'll tell you, I started posting on here after 2 months. I was a wreck and every time I 'thought' I was detached, something would happen and I realized I wasn't. Its not an ON/OFF switch for me, it was more of a journey to get there (still not sure if i actually "am") Yeah, DBing makes no sense until you look back at it. Adversity pushes out of our comfort zone, which causes us to be scared and fearful. You're just like everyone else here. It takes a while and its not about saving our M, but being okay with the outcome regardless of whether R or D.

I don't have much to add, but appeciate all the hard work you have put into MR and the way you have detailed much of your process. It seems you are doing everything right.

Thanks, in a crazy kind of way; I'm okay with where I am right now. I still struggle with what this all means for the kids, but I'm fine with being 'here' at the moment.

Another growth for me over the last couple months is what is right/wrong. I was obsessed with what the 'right' thing to do was and got analysis paralysis which just made me react to my emotions. Then when I would do something that wasn't exactly what I thought I should do, I would be a wreck for a while. I can say, now I see I'm doing things that are true to myself and at that point, the reaction of WW doesn't get me spun up (Advice I had heard time and time again, but had to get to that point to understand it)

At what point do you just throw in the towel and move on? I still haven't quite figured that out. I have only been at this for a few months, but have thought many times about saying eff it. Get busy living or get busy dying. But, deep in my heart I know if my W were to eventually change her ways, it would be best for our children and for our each of our lives. Of course, I won't tell her this... not for quite some time.

So this is by far the biggest and most comforting thing I've done (more advice people have given that I didn't understand at first.) This is God's plan for WW, MCS, S6 and D4. I'm not going to know that plan today, tomorrow or maybe ever. That's okay.....I'm leaving it to him. I know I'm not going to 'force' anything and stay true to myself, my morals and my faith. I don't have to worry what's in store for me because He'll architect my journey for me. Right now like I just said, my guidance is to be patient and continue to love her. Tomorrow may be something totally different, but that's tomorrow's plan (8 months of IC, DB and lots of prayer got me to understand this)

That's why MCS is 'okay' with MCS right now.

Hope it helps. Hang in there.....you're at the right place in the inter-webs.....