Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

I'm sorry for your pain, Gg. I can only imagine - I know - how it is to want to scream to the world what is really going on.

I've had moments today where I've considered if I was emotionally abusive, myself. I see it pre BD, man I was harsh and aggressively disappointed. Not when he came home tho. Maybe he just never trusted me deep down and maybe we've bern messing with each other a long time.

I see that I am still trying to blame me. My head is a mess.

It seems inhuman, what he did, his smug coolness this last month, the guise of wanting his happiness and mine too, and how at peace he seems with the decision he claims to have not thought of. The parts of him that aren't congruent. If he isn't rotten, than I am, to have driven him to this. That is what all my chewing and ruminating is about. Because there are so many wonderful memories and parts of my STBX I believed in. I know I shouldn't be trying to think in black and white, but I can't wrap my head around this being an understandable outcome otherwise.