Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

This website is a lifeline. I am lucky to get such great support and advice from people here. Thank you.

Starksy, I thought momentarily about calling her back earlier after making a decision - but I haven't - and I won't. I'll see her tomorrow when getting the kids but not mention anything about tickets. I will try to sell them elsewhere. I'm beginning to see now it's about making choices, real choices and decisions, solely for me (and my children) at this point.

Ontheup, thanks for dissecting that conversation post. You are spot on. I did validate her. For example, about finances I said 'yeah, it must be tough. I know that's difficult for you right now'. I did not accept blame for the affair. She did in fact accept that she was wrong there and it was her choice. As you say, a simple apology doesn't begin to cover the pain I've felt by her betrayal.

I felt a sense of her searching around her thoughts, partly signaling things were settling, partly signaling too much had happened for it to be redeemable. I'm learning not to worry about it anyway.

The conversation ended by me saying I don't want to pressure you at all about anything and just leaving with a 'see ya.'

I know I am responsible for my failings in the relationship. For that I take my share of the blame. Having an affair was her choice. I have previously said to her she could have come, sat me down and spoken to me about her specific problems in the R and I would have listened, or she could have just ended our R.

Regarding control, she has a point. I had a tight grip on our finances. Without going over it all again ad nauseum, it is simply a candidate for a 180 in the future. I don't feel I've changed dramatically over our time together, just settled down as people do. Her epilepsy (causing blanks, doseyness as side effects of her meds) meant over time I grew to have little patience with her due to some of her negative traits. This led to disputes and I would shout at her, call her stupid, nasty names. I have been taking a long look in the mirror over that. With W or not, this is something I would never engage in again. My financial management did ensure regular holidays (11 on our last 2 years together), overpayment of our mortgage (would have finished it over 10 years early), and enough money left to have meals out, socialise etc etc
...

W told me today she can't afford a foreign holiday this year, no money to go out with her friends, finding it difficult with bills to pay. I couldn't help but think 'maybe one day you'll see that things weren't so bad after all.'