Part 18 - Creeping onward

[edz]

Well, that was a day and a half.

So texted w this morning to ask what time she was coming to get s. Originally it was to be 10:30 so no problem woke him up at 8:15 and made his breakfast and then got on with work. Realised I didnt have a lot of his HE stuff so while I was on calls built a new virtual server here and set up a sync system. Texted w to bring her laptop with her.

Anyway she replied at about 10 to say it would possibly be a little later, said no problem let me know so I can give s lunch if its going to be beyond then. Lunchtime came so made s some soup and a roll. He turned to me and said I love you daddy you are so kind (at which point I did need to excuse myself - after a suitable hug as you'd imagine) didnt tell w this for reasons that will become clear, I got rather distracted.

So w arrived about 1 and made her a coffee, was a little stewed for her (I'd run the filter machine at about 12:30) so gave her a soft drink, I had some pizza left over from yesterday so she had that as well. We started to talk (s was playing minecraft in the living room) and she started to get emotional. I wont go into the full conversation but among much emotion and crying she held my hand and told me she does miss me, she sees things and places and wonders is it something I would like to or like to go to. She's frightened, not only of how her mum will react (although I said in my opinion she wont go she wouldn't want to lose contact with s which w agreed with) I did not proffer answers (on this or anything unless we discussed specifics) I listened, validated and in her mums case just said that she should ask herself who's life she wants to lead she agreed, I've said this, friends have, recently friends have said so (turns out the wow friend was dead against her leaving and couldnt believe it had happened, she's been a staunch supporter of mine since - who knew?) and we moved on, she is scared of what happens if we don't work - if she cant make it work from her perspective - how trapped she would feel this time.

I simply said I would hope that now she thinks she could talk to me before that happened and that communication would need to be the core of us in future if we got back together, daily, weekly, monthly ongoing as a couple and a family. She said yes she feels that way too now. She said she cant promise where she is heading, if we can go where I want to but in the middle of a conversation she stood up (we were sitting in the kitchen) walked over to me and pulled me into a hug, lifted my head and kissed me, she said she cant promise where this means we're heading, I simply said I only ask she promises me she will keep talking to me throughout she said she wants the same.

We talked a lot more, I'm not fooling myself she's committed to trying again yet - she needs to work on what she wants and things *have* to be her decision before the real work can start, something she acknowledged, that I'm not pushing or telling her what to do which she is clearly angry with her mother for continually doing, she seemed rather hostile to her even saying she never learns her lesson with her mother (I think in connection to the current housing issue - I'm not going there as I've said, I only care on impact on s & w I can (presently) help with the former but w must work the latter out for herself.

She and s were heading out to meet with friends at the beach while, unfortunately, I needed to catch up with work I'd put on hold as talking to her was more important.

There were other positive moves from her side as well. Nothing concrete yet and whilst its taking all my will Im not allowing expectations to run wild, I have faith Im not friend zoned anyway, but I certainly feel less like we're only going to be a memory, w is certainly missing me by her own admission - not for what I can do but for the me I was before I faced inward and that he's re-emerging now.

This evening we've been on email I've booked s into a coding day on saturday and we've tested the new sync system (I drop in a file on my server and it appears on her laptop and vice versa encrypted both ways for protection) so I can have his HE info while he's with me and anything useful I find w can have there.

Have to admit I feel calm this evening, I've been at this too long now to let myself go further but w did open up more today and her unbidden embrace and kiss did wonders for my commitment to standing.

As I said missing out a lot here as I'm still processing some of it, some of it really I don't need to put down here. Just wanted to let those of you who've stood with me this far know, its been a hell of a day.

Edz