Part 18 - Creeping onward

[edz]

Hi Dawn

thanks feeling very positive about myself (as opposed to sitch which I try to see as separate now) yes, got a lot in there, why I like the (old) mark 4 golf over the newer ones, put the rear seat down and yo can get big packages in there, I did measure what would fit BEFORE I went into Ikea which, it appeared, was not the case in a lot of peoples cases. Two or three people looking baffled including, I kid you not, a couple with a 180cm flat pack looking in bafflement at a fiat punto as if it would magically stretch or perhaps be bigger inside than out (Firat Tardis Punto maybe).

Having said that I did drive home as if I was in a clown car with the seat forward which, considering Ikea is ~30 miles from me, wasnt the most fun experience - my car is, as the americans say, a stick shift so this was an additional challenge. "Oh No, I need second gear!".

But yes managed it

W just dropped s around so will be getting the swimming gear sorted momentarily (just been finishing up some emails while he has a blast on the ps3) and once rush hour traffic subsides will be off to the pool. S found the new midi keyboard in the office and was having a pick at it, seems to like music so I've emailed w saying does she want my yamaha mini keyboard (had it since my teens but the keyboard is midi sized and I'm not so cant "finger" properly - steady you lot!) for his bedroom at the flat as its in my (new!) wardrobe at the moment not being much use to anyone.

We had a small chat but she seems a bit preoccupied and was fretting the flat is a mess (s is 10 so leaves his room like you'd expect a 10 year old boy does - lego explosion but I believe she does indulge his messiness a little as he's not like that here - although his room is much smaller) also MIL/FIL have dumped a lot of their stuff thats not in storage in w's front room and a load of non perishable foods on her kitchen floor in boxes. W makes that rod for her own back of course and I am staying a hundred miles from it.

Other than that she was showing me some pics she'd taken (and s had taken) on her phone and chatting about the weekend and how s had been. She said every time she sees the place Ive been spending more money (sarcasm) but liked the hall, she didnt want to come up to the office when I retrieved her portable hard drive (she'd asked for some bits off our media server) and I wasnt about to push, I don't need validation like that I know its nice and I like it in my home

Felt happy and confident and calm around her today, feel I looked good in my new top, w did not of course comment on anything but thats not the point - I like to think she's noticed and that gives me a boost as well.

Anyway what was odd is although she wanted to get going (and I do not try to get her to stay just give her the option of more coffee etc and carefully watch body language as this was a failing of mine previously) so I said fine no problems let me know when she's popping by to pick s up tomorrow and I'll have him ready then she kept slowing down, first at the kitchen door then going into the lounge to speak to s then again in the hall then we chatted at the door for a good 10 minutes before she went. Didnt hang at the door and wave or go in the kitchen etc just let her go. Probably interesting but her old habit of backing out of the doorway as soon as possible seems to have gone with me.

Anyhoo need to extract a 10 year old from a ps3 and get the swimming gear and make a move, pizza when we get back tonight

Catch you all later

Edz

[Vanilla]

Smiling at the thought of Edz and a car full of IKEA.

V

[edz]

All it needed was some 70s sitcom music and it could have been something out of the plank (if you remember that one v)

[Sotto]

Hi Edz, just catching up on threads, and glad to hear you are doing okay.

Good that you are seeing the sitch as more separate - and not completely central to your life. Things sound pretty steady with W. And as you say - even though she doesn't mention the new top, she notices I bet.

Just a comment on what she said about you spending money on the flat...either, she may feel sensitive about you getting all settled....or maybe she's just worried about funds...

Is it yoga night??

[edz]

Well, that was a day and a half.

So texted w this morning to ask what time she was coming to get s. Originally it was to be 10:30 so no problem woke him up at 8:15 and made his breakfast and then got on with work. Realised I didnt have a lot of his HE stuff so while I was on calls built a new virtual server here and set up a sync system. Texted w to bring her laptop with her.

Anyway she replied at about 10 to say it would possibly be a little later, said no problem let me know so I can give s lunch if its going to be beyond then. Lunchtime came so made s some soup and a roll. He turned to me and said I love you daddy you are so kind (at which point I did need to excuse myself - after a suitable hug as you'd imagine) didnt tell w this for reasons that will become clear, I got rather distracted.

So w arrived about 1 and made her a coffee, was a little stewed for her (I'd run the filter machine at about 12:30) so gave her a soft drink, I had some pizza left over from yesterday so she had that as well. We started to talk (s was playing minecraft in the living room) and she started to get emotional. I wont go into the full conversation but among much emotion and crying she held my hand and told me she does miss me, she sees things and places and wonders is it something I would like to or like to go to. She's frightened, not only of how her mum will react (although I said in my opinion she wont go she wouldn't want to lose contact with s which w agreed with) I did not proffer answers (on this or anything unless we discussed specifics) I listened, validated and in her mums case just said that she should ask herself who's life she wants to lead she agreed, I've said this, friends have, recently friends have said so (turns out the wow friend was dead against her leaving and couldnt believe it had happened, she's been a staunch supporter of mine since - who knew?) and we moved on, she is scared of what happens if we don't work - if she cant make it work from her perspective - how trapped she would feel this time.

I simply said I would hope that now she thinks she could talk to me before that happened and that communication would need to be the core of us in future if we got back together, daily, weekly, monthly ongoing as a couple and a family. She said yes she feels that way too now. She said she cant promise where she is heading, if we can go where I want to but in the middle of a conversation she stood up (we were sitting in the kitchen) walked over to me and pulled me into a hug, lifted my head and kissed me, she said she cant promise where this means we're heading, I simply said I only ask she promises me she will keep talking to me throughout she said she wants the same.

We talked a lot more, I'm not fooling myself she's committed to trying again yet - she needs to work on what she wants and things *have* to be her decision before the real work can start, something she acknowledged, that I'm not pushing or telling her what to do which she is clearly angry with her mother for continually doing, she seemed rather hostile to her even saying she never learns her lesson with her mother (I think in connection to the current housing issue - I'm not going there as I've said, I only care on impact on s & w I can (presently) help with the former but w must work the latter out for herself.

She and s were heading out to meet with friends at the beach while, unfortunately, I needed to catch up with work I'd put on hold as talking to her was more important.

There were other positive moves from her side as well. Nothing concrete yet and whilst its taking all my will Im not allowing expectations to run wild, I have faith Im not friend zoned anyway, but I certainly feel less like we're only going to be a memory, w is certainly missing me by her own admission - not for what I can do but for the me I was before I faced inward and that he's re-emerging now.

This evening we've been on email I've booked s into a coding day on saturday and we've tested the new sync system (I drop in a file on my server and it appears on her laptop and vice versa encrypted both ways for protection) so I can have his HE info while he's with me and anything useful I find w can have there.

Have to admit I feel calm this evening, I've been at this too long now to let myself go further but w did open up more today and her unbidden embrace and kiss did wonders for my commitment to standing.

As I said missing out a lot here as I'm still processing some of it, some of it really I don't need to put down here. Just wanted to let those of you who've stood with me this far know, its been a hell of a day.

Edz

[edz]

Hi Toots,

nope begining yoga still on hold maybe next week, if not may book into the pilates and try that. To be honest after today was probably a little to befuddled to concentrate.

The spending money was more jokey and I think a little defensive on the fact (sounding big headed) the place really is looking homeyer every time she comes round, her flat is presently overwhelmed with her parents stuff that isnt in storage in almost every room and a garage she cant get in (for the beach stuff for example) as her father put the contents of his garage in there and jammed it full.

As I've said, a battle I cant fight for her. I wouldnt have let them do it and she knows that but it may be best this has happened to show her the truth of her relationship with her mother without me anywhere in the picture.

[jim0987]

Well thats quite something.

You did well looking at what you've said.

More of the same from you I think.

[edz]

Thanks Jim

The listening, validating and not jumping in just feels natural now, think w appreciates that change in me far more than the physical changes (which she also commented on - people all around her rebuilding themselves and looking wonderful - were her words)

I shall, as I keep saying, keep on keeping on

[rd500]

Really pleased for you Edz and you were perfect. Im sitting here buzzing for you. Edz is walking through a minefield and he's almost to the other side Take extra care at this time Edz , this is the really dangerous part.

Sending positive thoughts mate. Take care. Rd

[edz]

Thanks rd

I will.

I'm under no illusions though; if, *BIG IF*, w wants to try, there's a hell of a lot of hard work from that point on and I can never let myself slip back for myself, s or w (I will not let depression get that grip on me again).

Its a hard job I have no compunction in taking on if she's willing though.

Oh by the way if anyone hasnt dealt with depression, the illustrated book "I Had A Black Dog" by Matthew Johnstone is one of the best I've seen at attempting to put it into a context people can understand, I got it in case s has any questions as he could understand and we could talk about it.

He's accepted "new" daddy as my actions so it hasnt come up but its there if he asks.

Thanks again