FIDO - Changing The Rules - Pt 1

[NH115]

I couldn't swing leaving the house immediately, that's coming in a few days. She's still recovering from surgery and I needed to arrange a place to go.

I'm sick of this battle. My head tells me to jump back in with her, 100%. We have so many parts of our life that are good. We do love each other, we have so much shared history, we have our family. We do enjoy being with each other. The thought of being without her is devastating to me. Why put her, and me, and our children through a D, for something that might very well ultimately be a temporary fear?

I listen to my head, but my heart's not in it. I'm scared of going back to old patterns, to the old life that I wasn't happy in. Hell, a lot of my unhappiness with how my life had gone had really nothing to do with her. When she offered me her olive branch the other night, my first thought was "Yeah, right...and we'll be right back in the s*** this time next week". The last thing I want to do is jump back in with her and figure out 5 years down the road that I should have taken the chance at freedom when I had it.

The old manipulation game is being played out again. Last night she said to me that she had finally learned to trust me, but that I shattered it again when I didn't leap at accepting her back. I shattered her trust? She's been screaming at me that I ruined her life for the last 6 months. Endless spew, and roller coaster, and manipulation. I held on for any little kindness from her, like an idiot. She'd be upbeat and optimistic one minute and literally hours later our problems were insurmountable. WTF? What am I missing here?