I Want You

[rob123]

Doing some self-reflecting here, just a bit of blogging/diary.

I know during our marriage that I could be seen as being overbearing. I’ll tell you how I arrived at that conclusion (these thoughts flow much more quickly and smoothly in my head, haha). I have always been the type of person in our relationship that wanted to make sure that my W was not hurt. If she needed a shoulder to cry on, here is mine. If something is causing you pain, let me help you with that. Just trust that I will never cause you and hurt/pain. I simply cannot handle hurting you, W.

I have always been the type that wanted to make sure everything was OK with my W. You going on a trip with the kids? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. You going on a girls weekend? Just send me a message when you guys get there so I can be sure you are OK. After her bout with post-partum depression with our 2nd child, while she was away at school, and when she later told me she had considered ‘ending it all’, it ramped up that sense of wanting me to help her. I hated to see her hurt. I hated to see hurt in her eyes. In her voice. Anything.

With her clinical schedule, she had to work many nights. I’m sitting around at night with the children, especially once they went to bed, and I would send a quick message to her asking how it was going. No response. However, I would check Facebook and she was online looking at Facebook. Now, who knows how intently she was checking. Or how long she had. Or what she was doing. But she simply would not respond to my text message? I would then ask her why she didn’t respond and she would say something to the effect of she was busy or yada, yada, and then I would ask about being on Facebook. She immediately would get defensive and it would turn our conversation for the worse (as if my constant prodding was not bad enough). I would tell her that I simply would like to get a message every now and again from her. Did not have to be anything wild or crazy. Just a simple, hey, how’s it going. What I failed to realize (and still fail to realize, to an extent) is that my W is simply not wired that way. She doesn’t send many messages. Unless it was with her clinical group at school.

But now, since they all have jobs, her texting that group has almost completely stopped. She very rarely messages her parents. I have to understand this. I can’t change her, I can change how I react and me, though.

Then, when I went out last night, I could see the hurt in her eyes. Whatever the hurt was for, I broke down when I left because, contrary to my nature, I caused that pain. I caused that hurt. I promised that I would never hurt her, and yet, here I am, hurting her.

I broke down and sent a message to her earlier and said I missed her last night. She asked what I did and I told her just went to the parking lot and did some self-reflection. She told me she wanted me to go have fun, that she had a good time alone with the kids.

What a self-defeating thing to do, I know. Just wanted to vent here. I am working on focusing on what I am doing and not having to have someone else to worry about me. It feels good to me to get a message from her, specifically, asking how my day is going. However, that is simply not the way she operates. Well, somedays she will, but most days she won’t. I have to be able to understand that just because she doesn’t send me some small talk text message does not mean that I am not important or matter to her.

What a dang journey so far….