I think you know what you've done is truly devastating. It's one of those things where you're not suddenly going to make a PR apology and everyone is going to love you. The damage you caused is so vast that it's not easy for anyone to get on a "parker is so great" campaign trail. And there are consequences to what you've done that an apology can't retract. Whether your M is gone for good, or just permanently scarred. What's done is done.
That said, I do appreciate that you have been so open. Believe it or not I'm not (and I don't think anyone else is) judging you. It's not about "bad parker". It's about coaching to what needs to be done for you to have a shot at achieving your goals: Permanent change, potential for healthy M, potential for that to be with WAW.
I agree that your worst enemy is to think you've changed. There is a big difference between someone that has avoided a certain behavior and someone that has truly altered themselves, their desires, their self image, their way of thinking, etc, to the point they don't operate with similar patterns.
I've never had an affair but I've used porn for 20 years. I can't describe how entangled it has been with how I view sex, relationships, my needs, and more. And that's the hard part. The "easy" part would be to stop using porn. And that in itself is the most difficult thing I've dealt with. Yes, I "quit" porn for 3 months immediately after BD when I thought I could somehow "behave" my way out of D. Once it became clear I couldn't bargain my way back into my M I went right back to it. Now I'm trying again for ME. But trust me, I don't feel comfortable at all. I still live in fear that I can't win this one, that I'll never be good relationship material, that I'll hurt the ones I love and isolate myself in the process.
You will be dealing with a lot of guilt, and a lot of embarrassment. Don't let your ego get in the way, don't get defensive, don't give up. The person you were and are will be beaten down and destroyed, torn apart. It will be painful. But the good news is that you don't want to be that person forever. You DO want to take the good from that person and rebuild it inside of a better foundation with healthier attitudes. You'll have your personality, your memories...but don't cling to things that destroyed your family. Let it go and trust that even as you feel attacked, we know your spiritual self is in there waiting to bloom into a strong man.
Now the pep talk is over and the very, very, very difficult work begins. Keep posting regularly, see your IC, read the books carefully. Continue to be very open about your frustrations with this. It may seem "safer" to act compliant, but only by voicing your inner conflicts and getting blasted for them can you start to get good perspective on where you're wired differently than many others. Know that with each reply you get that makes your heart sting, you are probably one step closer to your goal.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
