Hi uR! Thanks for checking on me. I was coming to post, and it was nice to see you were thinking of me. Your post above, yikes, it must have been tough hearing outsiders perspective in a matter-of=fact way. It is such a nerve-exposing situation.
bea- the hanging on by the fingertips analogy has stuck with me the past few days. Today, particularly. I really wonder how xh could have made those choices. But, he did. Yet, I keep thinking about that... and how he continues to make choices, which must really make those fingertips tired! Blistered... the fall will be greater.
Weekend was OK. Saturday one of my brothers and a mutual friend came and we gutted the kitchen. We actually had a lot of fun! My friend's wife came and went a few times, too. My mom was also here for awhile. But, I got a text that night from my mom and my brother, they both said that it was so good to hear me laugh all day. We did laugh. And, I felt so good all day. It was a little bitter-sweet at times. Some of the things xh and I did together... the project we started together. His name came up a few times... not in a bad way. Just reminders. Yet, I think everyone else cringes. Probably bc they wouldn't have to give up their Saturday if it werent for him! Ha!
But, I felt just a little bit more free. A little bit of a release. Slowly... I'm getting there.
Sunday was beautiful out. I missed xh in a way. The spring arrival at my house. Doing all the jobs we would do. But, it's ok. I was OK.
It's weird... it's like I think of him less now... but he is still "around" 24/7. If that makes any sense. His absence is always in my heart. But, I guess I am adjusting. Looking forward to what is in front of me. And, realizing that I am leaving that behind. I mean, I am going on with my life. And when I say leaving that behind, I mean, that old life... and him. I don't think there is much movement. I see him stuck and me moving. But, I don't really see him, so maybe not. Just feels like it.
Yesterday was my birthday. I didn't sleep much the night before. What else is new? But, getting up in the morning... I have to admit... xh was on my mind. Not in a.. get-me-bent-out-of-shape way, but I think I wondered a little if I'd hear from him. And, I didn't. I didn't expect to. But, it is still a little painful to not be acknowledged after so many years.
When xh and I were trying to figure out hww's conception, I checked my journal, which documented every friggin day... and when he was with kids, etc... and counting back from her due day... it is very likely my birthday was conception day last year. Give a new meaning to birthday for me... but I'm not really sweating it anymore.
I can feel a transition that I am going through. This is tough stuff. But, I'm getting there. Honestly, before, I was really scared of letting him go. There was a large part of me that just couldn't accept him not being in my life. Or, perhaps, him not wanting to be in my life? I'm not sure. Maybe both. But, I just want to release him. And, that, too, is difficult to grasp. To really take in. I want to feel like I don't want him. I didn't want that before. I was afraid of that. But I think about how much easier it would be. But, I have to say, that I have never really felt like I have wished him ill will. Of course, do I wish them a fairy tale. HE11 NO!
I do know that I have been mentally, emotionally, and physically wounded. I have always been tough. It was part of me. But, this... well... I was so vulnerable. And I didn't pretend otherwise. I owned it. I was aware that I was weak and lost. But I also knew that I didn't like it and wanted to get out of it. It's not my thing. I felt debilitated at times. That was horrible. Now, my wounds are healing. I know it will be a long road, yet. I have a lot of ground to cover.
Mentally, I'm getting stronger. I have acknowledged behaviors which were unhealthy. I know I want no part of ever again. I also feel that those realizations made xh run. And I think that what he has now is pretty unhealthy- so perhaps comforting? To an extent. Maybe a cycle he isn't strong enough to break?
Emotionally- I have always been strong. Yet- this. Ugh. I have been all over the place. Like a tornado. Spinning, twisting, smashing through anything without care or concern at high rates of speed. Now, I'm more like a Weeble-Wooble. Back and forth. You know... I weeble and wobble, but I don't fall down!
Transition. It's interesting.
On the xh front. Like I said. I don't pay attention. Don't contact. It's been a blessing. Yet, its an ever-present ghost in my life. Shake it off, Taylor Swift style???
I mailed the deed and tax stuff yesterday. It will probably be there tomorrow, if not today. I had to look up his house number on Zillow. And the 21 pics of their house came up. I quickly x'ed out. I am avoiding like crazy. Before I would have probably looked. I have avoided lots of stuff- trying to MOVE ON!
No word on my birthday. Yet, I do know he called d14 last night (on my birthday) and he hasn't called her in over a week. Coincidence? Not even worth the energy.
Today: S18 called me... frantic! He said xh was following him in the car and he was trying to lose him. Xh was trying to chase him down. Flashing lights and all. I told him to come home. He said he tried by xh still followed and he didn't want him to catch him here. Said he was about to call the police. I said to just come home. He said to open the door... "all the way". D14 heard him on the phone and went and opened it.
I was paying the bills and was like WTF! All of a sudden, s18 came bursting in. Slammed and locked the door and went running upstairs. D14 and I just sat there watching him flying into the driveway and xh following behind. Xh ran up the driveway yelling to him. Then the doorbell started ringing. I didn't know what to do. I was not going to talk to him. I don't even care. Whatever. I'm not even going to get into why. Just- ugh.
So, I went into the kitchen, to the door. The kitchen door leads to garage and he was at garage door. I just said, "he's not going to come out." He waved me over, like to come talk to him. I said, "Go away. I'm not gonna talk to you," and turned to close the back door right there. He turned around and left.
