Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT

[Georgia Bulldogs]

This is where I think some people get the 180 wrong. Sandi is just a poster that came up with a list of 180 type behavior and wrote down a list. It was not written that way by MWD. In my opinion, and I think this is common in a lot of wayward wife situations, is the wayward wife felt neglected and thinks her husband doesn't truly care about her. My wife actually justified her affair thinking that I probably wouldn't care at all. My 180 plan included, thusly, BEING EMOTIONAL. Now, that doesn't mean running around crying and begging them to come back or buying them a bunch of gifts or trying to romance a wayward wife. You DO still have to detach and not be a wimpy little basket case....that being said....you can be honest...in a calm fashion about YOUR feelings from time to time when she is definitely listening and, herself, begging you to show some emotion.

Your wife is lost and miserable. She has romantic feelings for an OM but remaining love for you and the family. Why push her away completely and act completely happy about a situation where you honestly are miserable???

So let's see if I can help you out with some analysis of your recent conversation:

This, below, is GOOD. Listening to her. Meeting her need for conversation and like your coach said: Let her carry on talking a bit:

"Then W said that there are times she thinks she's making a big mistake but then, there are times she feels "in her gut" that it would never work out between us. I respond by validating her feelings but I tell her I don't agree with everything she said"

.

But then your wife made this statement:

"Then W stated that my lack of emotion and my newfound happiness just go to further validate that it would never work out between us. W then says that our lives are just on different trajectories".

I think this might have been an opportunity to give her a little Mr. Bond truth dart while calmly and in a detached manner stating something like:

"Listen, honey, saying I lack emotion is about the furthest thing from the truth these last few months. I know you are pretty wrapped up in what's going on in your head lately but please be aware that I have been absolutely devastated by your affair. I am hurt and remain hurting. I am struggling to eat, to sleep and to work. If I seem "happy" it's merely me attempting to get on with my life because I am confident that at the end of this nightmare that I am going to be OK. I worry about you, honey, but I can't fix this for you and I can't control you. You've got a lot of tough decisions to make and as much as I think you are messing up, I also love and respect you enough to maintain hope that you are mature and smart enough to figure this out."

My [joking] alternate response: "I'd rather seem emotionless than behave heartless"



It just seems to me sometime that when you ACT too detached, emotionless and happy, you merely feed a wayward spouse rationalizations and justifications for having and continuing their affair in the first place. Plus pretending could actually be considered game playing and/or trying to manipulate an outcome. Be you. Be a man that isn't afraid to honestly share YOUR feelings because you matter too. Just don't be a crying desperate wimp about it. Either be (or fake it until you make it) confidence KNOWING INTERNALLY that your wife is making a huge mistake and OM is a complete loser that pursues and dates married woman. He's a dead end street.

That's my idea of a 180...opposite of what you did before.