Zelda - almost there

[Zelda09]

Mozza, Zephyr, TLEE - thanks gents. Feeling better today, a good session with my counselor that will help change my focus from feeling sorry for myself to something more productive.

I do not believe my H will be looking for something in me -that would require a genuine connection that existed only in my mind. Tlee, I gotta say, your story of realizing 5-6 months later is further and further out of the realm of possibility for the H I see now without his mask.

I do believe a partner that will give equal effort and support is in my future. And no, Mozza, lol, I wouldn't consider myself particularly hot, my friendly neighbor baffles me. I'm petite, muscular, look like Claire Forlani if she had a captain america jawline. I drink Oatmeal Stout, Zephyr. Porters and Browns, too.

I saw my IC tonight, the one that saw us since Nov for MC...told her about the breakfast and she had some interesting insights.

She said that I was trying too hard to make sense out of something that is not possible to understand, still searching to blame myself somehow. I asked her how to stop thinking and she said I couldn't but encouraged me not to do the Sheldon (3rd rock) algorithm trying to makes sense out of this crap.

But she talked with me anyway about trying to resolve H from her perspective, which was impartial at one point.

That my H has swept most things under his own rug and she saw that he would twist and twist and twist until he could come to something that made sense to him that he could stick with.

That in her estimation, he was still playing the same old game we'd played since the year we first started dating - he crosses the line, I protest, threaten break up but tell him how much I love him, leave a road back, after enough twisting, I relent and apologize for my part in provoking him, he has deep thoughts and finally recognizes his actions and apologizes, we talk about how to resolve in the future and we're back together.

The difference this time was that I didn't apologize. She felt he was banking on me breaking down and that's the only reason he let it go on for two hours when he was so intent on being out living his life. (You know what is funny? When she said that, I felt a sting of hope, like oh my goodness, I could have turned that around! I need to look at why I am still trying to convince this man to be with me. I would have never guessed my head was this messed up.)

That it's easy for him to claim he's not interested in thinking about things so that his actions past and present have a little wiggle room in them - after all, if he thought about things and still stood behind them, that's another matter for him to look in the mirror with - and it leaves no room to have any revelations and come to understanding with me if he should so choose later.

She still feels he's sabotaged everything and that I got played. She does not believe that he was legitimately trying in our M when he came back because of the things he would say in our sessions about not having the energy to work at our R right now. That he strung me along enough until he could support himself out there. Putting his ring on. Making some efforts and saying pretty things.

Whether or not he knows his own game, she said she's not sure, but there are signs he's still trying to stay connected to my life through the people he's asking out for beers, the random acts of kindness to those around my employment situation...and she can't help me make sense out of why he suddenly backed out at the notary, but says his long game might not have an objective, he might be toying to toy, because it's what he does. (Mozza, I think of your velociraptors.) But she's sickened. This is as much of her own opinion she's ever offered, finding his manipulation she witnessed in session, plus the transcript of breakfast combined with his previous 'I'm not willing to see her point of view' statements just kind of sickening overall.

The calm, rational, I'm better adjusted than you rhythm of his voice, with statements that make absolutely no sense or contradict each other in three different directions. Big words but claiming low reading comprehension. For a guy that was terrified to drive only a month earlier...I watched him speed around a parking lot and pull into a spot like Dale Earnhardt before breakfast. I shouldn't take it personal, but I think of the long days I put in and how he just couldn't help with the errands...I feel like puking.

She says my biggest goal is to do some soul searching to figure out why this game has been so intoxicating to me for so long, why I wanted to play it, why I pushed to marry it even. She told me I did some good work on trying to digest my emotions, that she heard a lot less generalized judgment and anger from me, and now I needed to recognize my tendency to retreat into a monotone and start looking to express myself with some vibrancy. That I had plenty of emotions, despite what my H claimed, but I hid them under a very calm exterior.

I wonder if I was as monotone and impassive before my H met me. I know I was as a teenager coming out of the abuse with my dad. I wonder if I ever broke through it only to return.