Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

i am also trying to control what happens in 6 months time etc - to match my hidden agenda. deplorable

[Zues126]

What's important is you're thinking about it. It's like learning a new language. You don't learn the language overnight, but with consistent exposure you pick it up. No different here. You are starting to build new perspectives, mantras, and thought patterns it takes time.

For example, what you've mentioned so far:

-Stopping and reflecting vs. reacting. Very good plan. Instead of assuming you know best and that what you feel is right, acknowledge that you're not so hot with knowing what's best for everyone at all times.

-Validating others' points of view. Yes. Right or wrong, their feelings are "true" to them. Why is that? Instead of being threatened because of what that means to you, or how that will impact you, be curious about where their values/beliefs/perspectives are different to come up with those conclusions. I've always liked the motto "Curious not furious".

There's more, but these are good concepts to embrace. At first it will be very painstaking and deliberate. Eventually it will become habitual. And then concepts that you will start to learn over the next weeks will become your next "deliberate work". Then they'll become habitual. Pretty soon things that would rock your world, tweak you out, and threaten you today...they just won't hit you the same way. And that creates a positive cycle, because as you feel less threatened and wounded, it will make this type of growth even easier as you'll be in your own way less and less.

For that reason self care is important as well. I remember when I started feeling like "I know what I'm supposed to think and do, but it's so darn painful, I'm just not able to do it". Specifically, being rejected sexually by my W was unbearably painful for me. I KNEW I wasn't supposed to pressure her, or manipulate her. I just didn't know how to deal with the pain I felt, so I chose to do it anyway because I felt like I had no alternative. HOWEVER- by getting in touch with your own feelings, supporting yourself, etc, you will reduce that pain. And that's important as well both so you can grow, and just for the sake that we actually do care about you and don't want you to be suffering.

It's easier to start with behavior because that is external and somewhat easier to control. Plus you have to avoid doing further damage to others. But while self care is more abstract, I do believe it's something you should put "on deck".

Again, not all in one night. That's impossible. But if you keep reflecting, posting, and avoid quitting or reacting, you'll learn a lot around here. Honestly I can't believe how much I've changed in 9 months. The best part is I feel like I have a long road to go. That's not scary to me. That's exciting. Because I am starting to like who I am, and I'm excited to see that I may someday become the man I always wanted to be. I might even have the chance to share that Zues2.0 with a woman and allow her to feel the love I have in my heart for her instead of burying it under controlling behavior.

Later, Z.

[Pyrite]

Overall very encouraging thank-you. possibly more so because it is not pointedly encouraging.

There's more, but these are good concepts to embrace. At first it will be very painstaking and deliberate. Eventually it will become habitual. And then concepts that you will start to learn over the next weeks will become your next "deliberate work". Then they'll become habitual. Pretty soon things that would rock your world, tweak you out, and threaten you today...they just won't hit you the same way. And that creates a positive cycle, because as you feel less threatened and wounded, it will make this type of growth even easier as you'll be in your own way less and less.

I am pleasantly surprised how this deliberate action to change my habitual attitudes has already had such a huge impact. Notably detaching. And it hasn't been at all like I dreaded it to be, like self lobotomising. I am cautiously looking forward to applying this "mission statement" approach with my wife. I have consciously been treating/communicating differently with colleagues, friends etc, and it has been fruitful. maybe just in my head.it is hard to say whether their reaction has been different or my interpretation of their reaction has been different - BUT my re-reaction has certainly been different.

I am "excited" that I am for the first time feeling like I am in control here and not the rest of the world. this may be another aspect behind my controlling behaviour. I always felt boxed in and so i lashed out an tried to control something else, rather than try to control me.

i am going to stick with this for a while. i dont think i can add on other stuff, and self care stuff - it all sounds to hard. and as you say, when this becomes habitual.... move on to the next step.

Ironically i have spent my whole life in my head, and absolutely driven myself, but what i can see now is that it was different. I have meditated to different degrees off and on since i was a child and i thought i was self-aware and could review myself objectively, and perhaps I can, BUT i have resized that I stopped short of really controlling myself objectively. I have put this in the same basket as self lobotomising. my objection to hardcore Buddhism as well. That suffering is a result of desire, passion etc - so eliminate desire, passion. this has always seemed abhorrent to me. Desire and passion are what make life worth living. But now i am starting to FEEL that it doesn't really mean this. I can't really put it into words - but I feel like it is not diminishing desire and passion to direct those feelings, or control them. you simply dont waste them. like controlling yourself and your judgemental behaviour etc. its not eliminating you, its pointing you in the right direction.

all of those "annoying" (not really annoying but you know what i mean) self-help quotes that can automatically pop-up everyday you launch an app or something - they seem to have new meaning. "you are in control of you .....".

it is empowering to feel this way, that i can choose i want to be. i am in no way there yet, but i can see a future.

i only wsth that my darling W could come with me. Still, that COULD happen, we just dont know

Good luck with finding that special lady Z. She's in for a real treat.

[Pyrite]

Hey,

didn't want to pollute the last post but I had more crappy news about wife and bills etc - nah screw it. i dont even wanna think about right now. maybe tell ya later if i still care. actually, it HAS to come up tonight when I see her so i might have to vent.

-Py

[MrBond]

How about starting now, you start practicing your listening and validation skills. You're already walking in like you EXPECT things to go bad. You have a say in how it turns out. You can just as well not have things go South if you actually start trying.

[Pyrite]

good point MR Bond.

i should be more confident as well that i am only going to react positively (because i've listened etc) and so things cannot ever escalate out-of-control. this should be what I am aiming for, not EXPECTing things to go badly

[Zues126]

Py- I know I've said it before but there are some posts in my thread that you might really enjoy. I don't have time to link them now, but if you read through them little by little you'll see me talk about disassociation from emotions and self abandonment. Learning to reintegrate emotions into my life and not let them overpower me has been the catalyst to anything I've done. I'm no longer fighting myself constantly. There's much, much, more. It's brutal, there are 9 pages of spew and then a few things I learned that have helped. I know you started reading them, but I feel like we have a lot in common.

[Pyrite]

do you mean in the Memento thread? I have read them, I have to review them again now BUT they did help me a lot. No doubt things that would make some sense to me now that didn't before as well.

gotta dash - have to pick up my oldest. she's my girl and been crying for me. i know its horrible for her, but it sorta makes me feel good that i am special in her life. i can't wait to cuddle her

[Zues126]

I meant from the beginning. If you click on my screen name, search threads, go back to #1. Read it when you have time. I didn't post much in the beginning so three threads covers a lot of my road here. Only lately have I been posting more so it's easy reading.

[SunnyB]

Sorry ladies but (here at least) it is a FACT that the court favours the woman.

You could have a stack of statistics and facts and it won't make a lick of difference. You don't seem to get that. She is going to believe what she wants to believe same as you. You have to start seeing things from her POV if you want to have a chance.

Pyrite, do you see any correlation here? Seeing other people's points of view is not limited to your W. It's a way of relating to everyone. Unless you are offering statistics from research studies, your FACT remains your point of view. For you to invalidate every woman here with a casual "sorry, ladies", needs a re-think. (Also, originally, we were talking financially and your statement seems to have shifted to custody, not the same thing at all.)

I'm rooting for you, Pyrite. I like the FACT that you keep posting, that you seems to be listening. You just need some time to get the hang of putting it all into practice. Keep at it.