Pyrite: Eye of the storm?

[Pyrite]

"but her agenda is NOT in the children best interests at all."

That's from YOUR POV. What YOU think is strictly your OPINION which you have a right to just as much as she does. That's why you have to learn how to validate.

You validate the fact that she has a right to feel the way she does as much as you do. Zeus is doing an excellent job at calling you out on your BS. You're not getting it which is why your W continues to treat you the way she does.

hi Mr Bond, I too am grateful for being called out on my BS, but this is different from defending her. And it is my POV, but also child psychologists. Explain to me exactly how introducing her new partner into their lives as the constant male figure who has replaced Daddy is good for the children.

it is good for her. The children ARE confused. what does this teach them about relationships? Their relationship wit their father? As co-parents how is she encouraging a business like trust relationship with me?

To my 4 year old she thinks i just have to buy mummy a better present than her new best friend, her words.

I wish that if I changed, she would treat me or see me as different. Alas I suspect I am destined to be in the same boat as Zeus on this one. It is true, even talking to her Mother, that whilst I have visibly settled a lot since BD and the aftermath, W has not. She is still just as angry. 1 reason is that the M is still logistically holding her back. it will be months before we can sever financial ties, custody issues, relocation etc. So I think realistically months before she starts to really enjoy new life that ATM she is still blaming me for why she can't enjoy it. Then it will be another X months, house sold, D, before she MIGHT see a different me.

i was when I started here very enthusiastic about saving the M (by changing myself). but i am gradually losing my enthusiasm for saving the M. it just doesn't seem to be in the cards. i'm sure everyone has felt this hoplessness. maybe this is another reason i can't NOT mention HER in the same breath every time i speak.

[MrBond]

"Explain to me exactly how introducing her new partner into their lives as the constant male figure who has replaced Daddy is good for the children. "

I don't need to. You could have a stack of statistics and facts and it won't make a lick of difference. You don't seem to get that. She is going to believe what she wants to believe same as you. You have to start seeing things from her POV if you want to have a chance.

Right now she is seeing it as introducing the kids to someone who LOVES HER and RESPECTS HER and MAKES HER HAPPY. She feels like this stranger is a better alternative for your children than their controlling dad. You keep fighting that, but that is her perception.

I don't see where she actually said she was replacing you. She just wants to show the kids the person who makes HER happy.

I haven't seen your list of things and especially actions that would make her happy. I mean, you still haven't changed, so why would she even want to go back to the same situation? You have to give her some kind of reason why you're the better pick.

[Cadet]

I started here very enthusiastic about saving the M (by changing myself). but i am gradually losing my enthusiasm for saving the M

Here is my take on it.

Your marriage was over at bomb drop.
Everyone who posts here is in the same boat.

Can you build a new marriage? - Yes
Whats it going to look like? - hopefully better that the first time around

There is no going back only forward,
the things that MR Bond is hammering you on you
need to change whether it is to save this marriage
or if you have another marriage to someone else.

If not you will just be right back here again
with the same issues - rinse - repeat.

[Pyrite]

right - her POV, her POV gotta remind myself of that every time - thanks

you saw my list of s**t things i did. i suspect that just NOT doing them would bene a great place to start

[Pyrite]

So- looking back in 6 months...what CORE BELIEFS do you want to see radiate through in all of your consistent behavior? What is your mission statement? What are the negative traits that you will be looking to eliminate from your responses? I've done half of this for you...but do the work yourself in your own words.

For now at least (today definitely) my mission statement won't go beyond your suggestion of judgement/compassionate, controlling. I'll try to make some progress here before I add more, and will help me through tonight.

[MrBond]

You need to write down your list of ACTIONS that you will be taking to help you to not be judgmental, controlling, more compassionate.

[Pyrite]

This idea that your STBX is so crazy it somehow changes this pricipal and we just don't understand it has to go. We get it. But you have to let go of monitoring/judging her behavior. That's why we're saying you're controlling. People that aren't controlling don't do this. You do it so innately you can't even see you're doing it. Maybe it's like breathing, you don't know another way to operate? I'm not attacking Py, just curious why this is such a hang up.

big help - "we get it" - no one has actually acknowledged this. makes it easier for me to let it go here.

"People that aren't controlling don't do this."
I know. my brother-in-law has sort of been my role model. He is a great H etc. i desperately wanted to react more like he did, but until recently (here) didn't realise what exactly it was - and this is it - controlling.

"You do it so innately you can't even see you're doing it."
long-term habit? hence my personality/ego? my only thought on how to better this, following my mission statement is to consciously avoid this behaviour? any other suggestions? A herbal remedy perhaps

[Pyrite]

i clearly need more time to think about this but as i realistically only have a few spare minutes here and there until i am in W/M/BD central - i am going with calmly LISTEN and filter what she says through a SHE'S NOT WRONG, THIS IS HOW *SHE* FEELS filter.

and of course i'll try and get out of there ASAP, not hang around until a fight breaks out.

reasonable?

[Pyrite]

and of course not push my agenda - if possible i will divert to "i'll have to think about it more" approach and not give my "suggestions"

[Pyrite]

i can see this Caet. it makes perfect sense. maybe thats another issue i am struggling with. apart from the clear rejection of BD. there is every likelihood (skeptically i think like 99%) that she will reject me again.

i suspect things will just have to die off naturally, then we MAYBE become friends again naturally, and then I suppose I should wait for signs from her.

i am getting way too far ahead of myself i know. focus on ME, NOW. what will happen later will happen. but its not easy - especially for a control freak!

i might not want a R with her blah blah - anything could happen. 6 months ago i absolutely did not think I would be considering my life in this light