Where did it all go wrong? I keep asking myself this question and am struggling with finding answers. My wife and I met in college and we hit everything off right. We both played a sport in college and were both very good at the sport that we participated in. We are both very well educated, we both have wonderful families and we have 2 wonderful children.

We dated about 4 years prior to getting married. We have now been married 7 years, and have run into some rough/rocky times. My wife, after both of our children were born, suffered post-partum depression. It was the type of depression where she would go to sleep as soon as she got home from work (she originally worked 7a-7p shifts) and would barely even say hi to me or the children. There was times where she would break down emotionally and just sob uncontrollably and want re-assurance that I would never leave her. I would always let her know that I would always be there for her. During this period, I become the defacto caretaker of the children and the household. I never had a problem with doing this (I’m talking about all of the dishes, clothes, childcare requirements) unless my wife would complain about the house not being clean or her favorite blanket not being cleaned. It really upset me that I felt as though most of what I was doing around the house was being taken for granted. I realize now that I began to feel a sort of resentment towards my wife because I felt that no matter how hard I tried to make her happy, it was never good enough.

Prior to our daughter being born (she is now 3), my wife approached me about wanting to go back to school to improve our financial outlook. We already made decent money, but this would result in a much higher salary for her. The only downfall was that she would have to spend 5 months away from the house. Then, she would spend 2 years during various clinical rotations. I agreed and told her that if this was something she wanted, that we could make it work. Fast forward to 4 months after our daughter was born and my wife went away to school. Talk about a very weird situation. Here we are now, me, my 2 year old son, and my 4 month old daughter with the nearest family being 3 hours away.
I made it work and I did a very good job. During the last week prior to some of her finals, my wife had another breakdown. She later revealed to me that she had seriously considered suicide. It was a very rough patch for both of us and I think led to some of where the problems are today. She is now seeing a psychiatrist and has been getting help ever since this time. When she came back to the house, she still had to take classes and do her clinicals. It was so amazing to have my wife back in the house after being away for 5 months, but she was not much emotionally back in the house. She still was worried about studying and doing her clinicals. It was so awesome to have her back physically, but it was so difficult to not have her back 100% emotionally.

During this time, her clinicals involved her working overnight shifts at least once a week. Her clinicals involved late evenings. Again, she was in the house physically, but she was not there emotionally. I continued to remain the caretaker around the house. Don’t get me wrong, she did as much as she could while studying and doing her clinicals. I just think I set myself up to be let down when I expected her to be 100% emotionally back in the house when she still had so much committed to her studies. It really hurt.

I will now fast-forward to today. She graduated in December and has been working at her job for 2 months. About 2 weeks ago, she was acting very weird on Thursday and I just questioned what was up? She then dropped the ILYBINILWY line. I was devastated. I continue to be devastated and not sure exactly how to proceed. That following Friday at work, I swear felt like it lasted 80 hours. I was researching online for anything I could read/find. I was wondering what was happening. I continued to see people be very skeptical of that line and to find out about any affair.
The following Monday, I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She was very upfront about becoming emotionally attached to a man at work. She told me that nothing had happened between them, but that she felt like he understood her and was an alpha male that challenged her, yada yada. That revelation actually gave me some relief. I felt like things were bad, yes, but not completely hopeless. I then put on Facebook something to the effect of, “Please pray for me in these tough times”. Nothing like a good ol’ cryptic message. People, of course, began texting/calling asking what was wrong. I just said I was going through a rough patch. People were texting/calling her as well. She was mad at me for putting our ‘business’ on facebook, but I told her that I didn’t say anything about us.

I told her that the only way we can work on our marriage is if she cuts off communication with the OM. She then went on a drive and said she had to call her mother. After she got back home, she said that she called her mother and she basically told my wife that it was her family or this other guy. Then she called the OM and said that she had developed feelings for him and yada yada and that she wanted to end that. It made me laugh, but I saw a text message he sent her the next day that basically said those feelings she had were one way and that he never saw their relationship in that light. He then said that he felt like he was being scapegoated for something else.

I will admit, I first re-acted with crying, pleading, wishing, chasing her around. I wanted what I have always wanted, re-assurance that we were going to make it. I wanted to feel loved. I told her that she would be in a bad position with our 2 kids because I am the one who takes them to daycare every morning before work, who picks them up every afternoon after work, and that her schedule would not allow for her to keep the kids very often. I told her that we were now at a position in our life that we discussed and cried about 3 years ago when we decided that she would go to school. How could she be so cold to want to leave me now? I even resorted to telling her that I felt used as free childcare and house care while she was pursuing her advanced degree and that since she now has graduated, she could get rid of me.

Let’s just say that none of that worked. She did not want to hear it. Fast forward to this past weekend and the grandparents took the kids for the weekend. She had originally planned on going to an all-girls weekend, but decided to stay at home with me. We went out on a date Saturday night, held hands, danced, went to the orchestra, she was looking into my eyes and telling me she loved me. We passionately kissed; something that we hadn’t done in 2 weeks. Then, Sunday morning when we woke up, she was back to being cold again. I brought her coffee and breakfast in bed, but she didn’t even say thanks.

She told me that I should just go get the kids by myself (an hour and a half drive, one way) and meet her mother. What a crappy drive that was. When we got home, we played outside in the backyard for a bit, but then my wife just up and left in her car. She said she was going to get us something to eat. She came home, crying her eyes out, and told me that she was not sure that she could ever be happy in our marriage. She said, and has said numerous times, that I deserve someone who loves them back the way that I love her. She said that she is not deserving of me and that she hates herself for what she has taken from me. I tried to console her, but it did very little.

Then, yesterday, I find this site and am looking at the 37 rules that I need to do. I agreed. I had been way too quick to want an answer. I had wanted to wake up and this would all be back to normal. She said, on Sunday, that my pressure to fix things was pushing her away. Then, yesterday, I made a commitment that I would do some 180s and be completely different. I went to the gym, like normal, but came home and did not say a word to her. I usually would want to ask about her day, talk to her, and hug her. However, I simply just smiled and said hi and went and took a shower. I did not worry about doing the dishes after we ate. When we were going to sleep, she said she loved me, but I did not even respond. I felt bad for not telling her I loved her, but I did not know what else to say at the time.

I guess I just wanted to put this story out there for anyone else that had the time to read. I really dislike how she keeps telling me that there are too many other women who would be grateful to have such a wonderful husband, father, partner in their life. I don’t want someone else, I want you.