Hey Lisa! Good to see you again! And you're right, this is turning into an interesting conversation.
I do worry about this protective "hard" shell I feel forming. I think I've handled the practicalities since BD pretty well and I've also done an ok job on the GAL and PMA. However, there's no denying that I have been thoroughly betrayed and rejected by the one person in the world who quite literally swore an oath to never do either. And that has wounded me deeply-there's just no other way to put it. I don't think I will bounce back from it any time soon. And that disillusionment seems like it will be a hard hurdle to get over. That's the core emotional reason that makes it difficult to imagine ever entering into another relationship.
And there are others. I've built a life I'm happy with. I love my home, and my sister's family and my elderly parents live on an adjoining acreage. I can now be there when and if my parents need some additional help. My kids get to be around their cousins all the time and have a close relationship with them. I live in a rural area - and have more than the ususal number of pets. All of which is something I really wanted, and I would be very loathe to give up. So someone would need to fit into this life - and that seems like it would be asking a lot.
And let's be blunt. I started my family pretty late in life. A lot of men and women my age have kids in High School or even entering college. I'm a 44 year old woman with young children and I'm very, very cautious about the idea of bringing anyone around them. I was pretty protective to begin with and this experience has only heightened that. I know there are a lot of successful blended families out there- but I find the prospect intimidating. And even before that - new relationships, are by their nature, pretty blissful, and I would be worried that would take away from the time, passion and attention I need to give my girls.
Mozza - I was interested to see your comment that you feel more whole while in a relationship. A lot of the female posters, myself included, have commented the opposite, that this experience has allowed them to start finding themselves again (or my confirmation bias might be coming into play, and I'm reading what I want to see). I don't feel that I got completely "lost" in my marriage - but now that no compromises need to be made - it is a lot easier to feel a strong sense of self - and I would never want to lose that again. So- another hurdle for this mythic future relationship.
I'm a little jealous of your ability to pursue casual relationships. Actually, in many ways that seems like the "solution" to some of these worries and problems. I certainly believe that consenting, available adults should do what they want to. But.....I'm just not built that way (it's probably that Puritan heritage rearing it's head again ).
So - all these things add up to my just not giving a lot of thought to the possiblity of a new relationship. You never know what will happen - but I just can't see myself actively looking or pursuing anything.
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