It doesn't feel like courage.. it feels like survival.
The most frustrating thing is knowing that I would be perfectly fine if I were fully employed. The teaching that I'm doing in a very part-time way confirms without question that this would be the case-- while I'm there, I completely forget my troubles, and for a period of time afterward I am impervious to thoughts of how badly I've been treated, even when I return to an emtpy home. If I were working every day, instead of searching for work every day, this would be the normal state of things. But I'm now so over-educated and specialized that I don't know how I can find a position without having to move out of state or out of country. It's maddening.
Not having her around actually now feels more like the normal state of things. I don't like being single-- in fact, I hate it, and always have-- but it seems strange to imagine her being here. That might have much to do with the fact that what I can best imagine are these last months where her presence here has been astoundingly painful.
