Ripken - Trying LRT and going dark. Now what?

[Ripken8]

Couple things to start. First post so I know after this I won't be long once I'm still in moderation. Also I have read numerous time dr and have a divorce coach. I also read a lot of the posts and could use some help for my particular situation.

My wife and I have been married almost 11 years and together 14 with two kids 11 and 8. 3 years ago she said she wanted a divorce and was having an emotional affair with and ex. She admitted she thought she was in love with him and I decided to move out. We were separated for about 3 months when she approached me and we started dating again. She agreed to not have contact with him any more, I moved back in and last May we renewed our vows on our 10 year anniversary. Everything seemed to be going great.

Aug/sept she started getting depressed and took up smoking. She said she wasn't sure she could love me the way I deserved to be and when I asked her if she wanted to be married to me she said she thought so. The day after Xmas she told me she was sure she was no longer in love with me but thought she still loved me. In January she lied about staying with a friend and got a hotel room for herself because she had to get away. She also later admitted she went on a date with a former coworker but that they were just friends. Finally she started communicating with her former ea partner and reiterated they were just friends too. I gave her an ultimatum that if she continued to see them I couldn't be in the relationship anymore and she continued to do so. I kept pursuing her and wanting to make it work.

Since January I have given her more space and have stopped saying I love u. We sleep in separate rooms and she goes out to do her own thing pretty much when she wants. I have suggested we go get help together and she has no desire to do that. In march I saw a note she had written because I was snooping that said she wanted a change her feelings haven't changed and she wants a divorce. I talked with her that I sensed she may have felt like she wanted one but she has never spoken or told me and I never referenced the note. She said she's not sure if she could ever be intimate with me again and afraid to trust me because if she does she'll be stuck in the same place 2 years from now and trapped.

Couple of other things of note. We have a pattern that is our cancer and was never fully realized until now. We never worked on it the last time so happy to get back together. Our pattern is she gives everything to be a good wife and mom and loves herself. Does things because she feels obligated and guilty if she doesn't. Including sex. She will give in and do it if I asked or need it. Then over time she resents it but keeps doing it and hates herself. I purse and used her as my self esteem or happiness. If we were having sex everything must be good and if I felt her being distant I would push for more sex to gain reassurance. The pattern got so bad she felt that she was emotionally raped even thought that wasn't my intent nor did I know until it built up and came to a head in December. I've told her this but it doesn't change how she feels and why our former joint therapist feels she suffers from PTSD and is triggered by my prescience.

Also she has battled with depression her whole life and doesn't want mess. Finally her mom and sister were diagnosed with huntingtons disease and my wife finally took the test and found out she doesn't have it 3 weeks ago. A huge stress relief as it's terminal with no cure.

Finally she hates her job and has no idea what she wants to do with her life. I realize there are so many things in play for her but it's hard not to take distance and indifference towards me personally.

I've been doing the LRT and gal. I don't call her or text her unless something with the boys and I stay upbeat and positive around her. I go to separate rooms and have been doing running and will do skydiving this weekend. I work out a lot and am in the best shape of my life - everyone but her notices!

With that change over the last week or two she's been up and down. I was away for work tues-Thursday and wheni came home thurs night she said she was Ina bad mood. Friday night after work we watched tv together for the first time in months and then watched shows as a family afterwards. Joked around with each other. The next day I took the boys to the store and she texted me that she was going to her friends to spend the night and clear her head. She packed a suitcase with multiple days worth of clothes. I had no idea when she would be back and didn't contact her. She told her sister who told me that she left not because anything I was doing and in fact I was being very accommodating to her, but because she was just triggered with me physically being in the house and couldn't take it. She came back the next day, Sunday at noon. I told her I hope she had a good time and she said she did. We then watched a movie together as a family and that was nice. Tonight she made dinner for us but was still off.

I've stopped snooping and don't go in Facebook or phone records. I trust what she says and try and look on the positives but not sure what to do. I don't bring up the relationship and am not used to the roller coaster or what to expect. Any advice would be greatly appreciated and if u need more clarification on my sitch please let me know.

I read sandis rules constantly and jjs going dark. They are great. Anything else and I'm all ears. Thanks so much!