Maybell XXXIV: Expecto Patronum!

[Maybell]

Old Dog, one of the things I've been proud of myself for lately has been standing up and saying when things are not working for me. I've done that pretty strongly for the most part, and the few times that I've wavered on it I've paid attention to that and gone to get some bolstering by people who I know support me.

Raliced, thanks for the vote of confidence. It is good to hear.

RPP, it's nice to see you back. Thank you also. Sometimes I have to recite my experience back to myself to remember not to sugarcoat it. I didn't like it at the time but I never felt the full weight of how uncared-for I was till all this and I started getting some perspective. For example, the trip where STBX took the Tylenol PM as soon as he sat in his seat across the aisle from my toddler and I on the redeye in first class. We were flying to Europe for my brother's wedding, and in preparation for it I'd bought one of those backpacks with the lightweight metal frame to carry the baby for places that wouldn't work with strollers. Do you know he did not ONCE carry the baby for the entire two week trip? I carried her the ENTIRE time -- except one day when my brother felt like someone ought to be helping me, and he took her. At the time it seemed natural to me. He said "That sort of thing doesn't work well with my back." (he's a perfectly healthy guy.)

So no, I didn't value myself enough or expect enough from him.

But I still loved him very much. Sometimes I had to work hard at it but I always hoped for better from him. And I always asked for what I wanted or needed; he just didn't feel willing or able to give it. (For example, I'd say I wanted more help at home and he'd send flowers and give me an evening of tidying up; then it was back to the same. Or I'd say I wanted more time together and he'd schedule a dinner out after I got the sitter; then it was back to video games and television).

I feel like now I see the truth. That he would throw me a bone if I complained enough, but for whatever reason he didn't want to take the trouble to be invested in the marriage. I guess he just wanted us to be Cinderella and Prince Charming for ever and ever with no effort.

Today the stager came and there is a TON of work to be done, as I expected. STBX had the boys this evening and it feels like he expects we're going to do things like we always did them as a married couple and I have to admit it feels confusing. He wants to feel like he's not such a bad guy, I guess. But good guys don't have multiple affairs. Good guys don't start an affair while their wife is negotiating a cross-country move for them. Good guys don't promise not to date when they've already been cruising Tinder. Good guys don't claim they want to be good fathers and then call their kids only once a week, and not let the mom know they're taking them out to dinner till after school has started for the day.

It confuses my heart, though. This pattern, of me doing all the work and him saying "Just let me know what you need!" in a friendly voice is familiar. It felt like good partnership at the time. It's hard to remind myself that this friendliness is superficial. HE LEFT ME. He has never once offered to help, no matter what emergency I've encountered since he's been gone. He's had to be nagged to make the three phone calls he has made. I have delegated him a job on this part of the house business and he has yet to do it. Good guys pull their weight. He can't be bothered.

I hate having a confused heart. It makes an ache.