I won't give up III

[Notlikingthis]

Hi all,

It's been 4 months since I've come here to update. Where to begin..

We had a really nice Christmas with the children and grandchildren. H participated, was socially appropriate (lol) and showed no signs of stress. He stayed the night and didn't leave until they had all departed the next day. He commented on how much fun he had and how great it was to have everyone together.

A few days later he suggested that we spend an afternoon looking at new cars. I had been looking at a more economical car for myself but thought I'd wait until mid 2015 to buy. He decided he liked the model that I was looking at and ends up buying not 1 but 2 of them. One for each of us.

A week or so later he decides that we should take a vacation in January. 12 days in a warm climate!! Ahh, yes. What we both need, warmth and sunshine. He makes the reservations and we're set to go. He's very excited and I am cautiously optimistic. It feels to me as if he's looking for something to ease the pain and spending money was the way to do it.

He's up and down with what he wants to do. He asks me what I think about selling MY house and moving to xxx. I let him know that I am happy living here, might consider it but remind him that D2 is settled in her job and apartment here and that would be a major upset for her. As I said that I was thinking that there's no way I'm moving away from my comfortable and peaceful life with an MLCer!!!! He starts to look for houses in that town. He shows me a few and asks what I think. I politely tell him that I like them but ask him a few questions that might make him think about what it would be like to live there! This town is one that he and I looked at 8 years ago when we were looking for land to build our new home. We decided against it because of the distance to the city and our family. I asked him if he considered renting there to see how he would like it. He thought that was a great idea and wondered why he didn't think of it.

I believe he had contact with Twinkle Twat and that it didn't go well. He went into a funk again and used work as an excuse to cancel out trip. I should have just gone without him! He sunk pretty low and I asked him if he was still doing his group therapy. Nope. Asked him if he has considered IC. Nope, but a few days later he told me that he had been thinking about what I said and was looking into a Therapist. He asked if I could help him find one that would be covered by his insurance. I found 2 men and 2 women Psychologist/Psychiatrists. He wanted me to decide whether he should see a man or woman. No help from me! He did a phone interview with two of them and decided to see one of the women. His first appointment was in early February. After a few weeks he shared some of what they talk about. He said that he's hearing a lot of the same things from her that he heard from me. Not sure what he's talking about but I guess that is good because he thanks me all the time for "hanging in there with him".

He was so vulnerable. I found that listening was about the only thing that I could do. I had a difficult time not voicing my opinions so I said very little. Asking a few questions that I know would get him thinking is seemed to work at that point.

During one of the talks that we had during that time he tearfully told me that he met the ow at a vulnerable time. He even pin-pointed when his "transition" began. Just as I mentioned in one of my first threads. It began in 2010-11 while he was reading "The Artist's Way". He said that he wished he could go back and change it all and that he had never met "that woman". He knew that it would change his life forever and not it in a good way. Also that he felt weak and couldn't say no. He didn't use the word confused but indicated that it was like he wasn't in control of his own mind. (Those darn Aliens!)

Although he's feeling better and stronger about the "loss" of the ow, he's no where near the end of his journey. We went from his statement that "we have a chance for a new beginning" to the real possibility of D! Here's a peek into my experience with what the MLC thinks and feels as he/she is trying to find their way out of the tunnel.

Several weeks after starting therapy....

"I'll never be the same. This has changed my life forever."

"I need to move away. There are too many bad memories here." Then a few days later says how comfortable he is in my house and how he has such fond memories, how much fun we have, that I really understand him, blah, blah.

"I want you to move on with your life. You can spend your time taking care of D1 and D2 ."

(D1 is a fully functioning adult, D2 is disabled. He never mentioned the 2 boys.)

" I'm not good for anyone. I've done too much damage (think he was referring to our R).

"You should let go of me". To which I responded...I have a life without you now and while I miss what we had, I had to let go for my own sake. He responded, I know you did. ?????

"I can't believe that you're even talking to me after what I did."

More recently he's been in a better mood and has a "plan"...

"I'm going to move to xxx, I'll rent or buy a small house. You will always have a key to wherever I live and are welcome to visit anytime."

"You've been so great about everything.

"I'm finished with work. It's not about work any longer, it's about my life AFTER I leave work."


And then there are his thoughts yesterday (Sunday)....


"When I file (know he meant S and ultimately D), will you come and visit me?"

He laughs after he says that. I must have given him a look that he read well! I jokingly said probably not and left it there. That started a whole other conversation that was light and with some humor thrown in but I knew he was looking to see how I felt about D as well as where he would stand with me after. I gave him little to no indication about what or how his life would be after he moved nearly 2 hours away.

At one point I did tell him that I thought that we had come up with a good Post Nuptial agreement that would work for me. He thought for a few seconds and didn't say that it wouldn't work for him but said that he needs to take care of any legal matters before he leaves work. (He has an excellent legal plan at his disposal while he's employed.) I didn't agree or disagree but stuck my neck out a little and asked him about making such a big decision because of a deadline. He had shared awhile ago what his therapist told him about taking his time when making major decisions. I think he likes to throw things out to shock me and get me to react. I didn't bite.

The next comment confirmed that he's still out there in MLC-land...

"Who knows, maybe we'll be remarried in a few years".

I changed the subject, we had lunch and he left. About an hour later he called me. I didn't answer. I was busy shopping with my daughter. He texted me asking if I wanted to have coffee. After I dropped her off, I answered his text with a light-hearted comment. We met at a coffee shop. He didn't bring anything up from earlier. We took a drive, something that we use to do every Sunday and kept it light. No R talk. He kept bringing up funny things from our past sort of a walk down memory lane. He seems to be trying to figure something out. He looks at me sometimes like he's trying to read my mind. After coffee and the drive I got into my car to leave. He was standing outside my car and said something that he use to say when I had my old car. I'll save you all from that but it was a real compliment. I'm taking most of what he says as MLC b.s. , a little bit of schmoozing and am watching his actions. They definitely aren't matching his actions.

He's been giving me lots of hugs and some real kisses. He tells me that he loves me occasionally. A few days ago he was listening in on a business call that I was on. After I got off the phone he told me one of the things he's always liked about me is that I'm not afraid to stand up to anyone and that he respects me for that. I have ZERO expectations. For his sake, I hope he finds peace in his life. I'm not sure if I agree with him that too much damage has been done but he may be right. I haven't lost respect for him nor have I given up totally that he can heal and come through this a whole person again.

I do need some help/ideas on how to keep him at arms length yet let him know that I haven't given up on us. My gut tells me to go dark so that I don't say or do the wrong thing! LOL! It's extremely difficult for me to listen without commenting. He is on to all of the validation statements. He uses them in his work and on me too! I know it and he knows it. I'm trying to be as selective as I can on which conversations I will engage in. He knows and has called me out on it a lot saying, "I know you're being careful what you say. I want you to tell me how you feel about this." Busted!!!! There are times when I say that I have to think more about this or that I think we should discuss this another time. All I really want to do is be myself and tell him how I really feel! LOL

I'm okay with whatever he decides...Separation, Divorce or just going off to live somewhere else for awhile. I have no need to do initiate any legal proceedings, I don't feel stuck as I'm living my life doing exactly as I want. The only thing missing is someone to share it with.