W affair October 2014 with co-worker, he still waiting in the wings, some contact still, maybe more, not sure. WW says disconnect occurred late summer 2014 and that it was slow and painful for her but that she could no longer take the pain of my rejection and continued affairs. W says her affair largely emotional but some physical. OM is 35 year old never married, no kids co-worker. He supposedly has backed way off once W sent text message that she was deciding future of marriage and needed space, that text was prompted by me back in Jan 2015 once I uncovered affair. H complete life change started Fall 2014 as I watched wife disconnecting from me, losing my best friend and life partner. What took me so long? Hitting the bottom so to speak, having such a big loss, maturing, therapy, all helped me start to make permenant change. Too little to late?
W never approached me, I had to approach her in Jan 2015 about disconnect that I had been asking about since fall 2014 and what was wrong. Thats when she said I am done, it is over, I have no love or connection for you any longer. 2 weeks later affair admitted when I caught texts and finally confronted her about other suspicions including longer hours at work and dressing up more for work. W is strong christian as am I. Affair and last few months behavior not like her at all. Very hard heart. Very strong willed, very much intent on Big D, seems to be getting closer each day. W see's pastoral council who does not encourage divorce but has reportedly released W from marriage per Godly wisdom and prayer due to my years of infidelity. W agreed to go to christian marriage intensive after 4 weeks of physical separation and saying God opened the doors for her to go even though she did not want to go. 3 hours into 20 hour marriage intensive wife says she is pursuing divorce unless God radically changes her heart for me and re-connects us or gives her big sign to stay in marriage which she says she has been praying for on/off since fall 2014. W says she had visions of me with another very attractive Christian woman and that God has given her others signs that she is ok to Big D and move on with her life. W says God has released her. W getting lots of pressure from some of her family and mine to Not get a Big D.
I did all the wrong thing in Jan/Feb 2015. Pulled way back during 4 week physical separation. Did all the wrong things at marriage intensive, we left 8 hours into 20 hour 3 day intensive. Moved back into our home 10 days ago after returning from the intensive, she was not happy about me moving back in, said she wanted time to pray about next step. I told her she could do so while I was in the house, separate bedrooms, giving her lots of space, no more begging, pleading, lamenting like I did at intensive and first 6 weeks after her saying she was done then finding out about affair. DBing coaching, following Sandi's rules, detaching, giving a ton of space in the home. Communication and family time have felt normal but different. Expecting Big D filing any day, know that she is looking hard to leave the home, find her own, place and start fresh. W said things at intensive that I never had heard before like, I want my own life, make my own decisions, be responsible for myself. She has a good job but money is tight right now due to recent travels and expenses so getting her own place might take a month or more but believe W has not changed her mind about big D and starting over. I am continuing to change regardless as I will not do this again to another person or to myself. Ive been affair free since last spring. Feeling great about where I'm at as a person regardless of my ending M.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/13/1507:33 PM. Reason: edit for carriage returns and readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Okay, I have to ask. You say that you've been "affair free" since last Spring which means that you've been doing it for YEARS. And yet you seem puzzled by her disconnect by her.
Have both you and her gone to counseling to discuss your A's from before?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I am deff not puzzled. I totally understand her disconnect and A. We went to counseling on/off but not reg enough. I am going weekly now for myself.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
I'm sorry that you have to be here, but you will get excellent advice and support.
You mentioned that you and your W went to counseling on/off but not regulary enough. Why not? Did she give up? You?
It is great that you are going weekly to counseling for yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
My A's varied from one nighters to a year or more. Usually just a few months. I looked to A's for several reasons, none of which were right. I was insecure, intimacy, rejection issues and love issues from when I was a child. No excuses though. I did not want counseling regularly until she disconnected and I lost my best friend. Go figure that now I'm the one in weekly counseling and she is not. The tables are turned and she's involved and looks like she's on her way out. I know I deserve it but I would still like to save it if there was anyway I could. I'll keep changing regardless.
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Since pulling back, GAL'ing, detaching, following Sandi's rules and being back in the house with her for the last 10 days things have been peaceful, respectful, and the family time has felt fairly normal. My W remains hard toward me, but communication being initiated by her is up a little. Seeing plenty of signs that she is with OM or at a minimum going places that she is trying to hide, She has not said anything new about D or about moving out but I know both are still looming. Any other advice or suggestions?
SITCH Years of infidelity by me/H, working on perm change, DEC 2014 ILYBNILWY JAN 2105 OM JAN 2015 W says I plan to move out and file for D April 1, 2015 Dbing April 2015 H-39, W-37, M 18yrs, S-9
Hi Parker, I think the best plan is to really dig deep and truly try and understand why you were unfaithful for most of your married life thus far.
It's good that you are on the site, and that you hope to save your M. Equally, I can truly understand why your W would walk away and hope to find happiness with someone else. A part of me says - Boy, I can't blame her. I'm sorry to be blunt, and I accept that I may well be hypersensitive as a betrayed spouse. But, I can't imagine what it might be like to be married to someone who has been unfaithful for almost all of your married life.
In my reading about affairs, I have come across situations described as 'don juan.' Where an H 'needs' pretty regular R's with people outside of the M. That sounds like you, and I wonder why you always needed that involvement with someone else. Hopefully you will explore some of this through counselling.
Also, can I ask. Did you only want to save the M when you had lost your W to someone else? As you say, it may be too late as far as your W is concerned - it may be not - IDK. But I hope you'll do the work for yourself, and that hopefully any future R will be a faithful and healthy one.
Good luck on your DB journey..
Last edited by Toots; 04/14/1507:27 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
