I get it. I sometimes fear my H is the balanced one, despite my career, talents, friends, all the things I thought I was happy with, including my general outlook, I thought I was funny, happy. Maybe he was right, and I was never happy. Maybe he is the balanced one, because he can see the situation isn't good and is ready to end it. Maybe he was right about all the things he said about me not being in touch with emotion and all the rest of that crap. Who knows.
A lighter note, it has taken about every bit of willpower to not text him today and let him know that I had an award winning porn star come on to me last night. Figured he wouldn't mind since he was so all about sleeping with everybody? Lol.
Zephyr, I'm sure you're attractive. Model handsome guys are boring to look at, it's always nice when there's a certain balance of features that are distinctive, or like Poe said, true beauty is having one feature a little off. Attractive is in the way we carry ourselves, what we believe, the respect we show through treating our bodies well and dressing as though we like ourselves a bit, yeah? And then there was my H's favorite quote - it's amazing how complete the illusion that beauty is goodness. I wonder if he was talking about himself sometimes.
I had a fleeting thought to tell H in a letter what I really think of his running all these years, the conversations he says that he can't have with himself because he doesn't know how, baking cookies for people because he wants them to like him instead of wanting them to have cookies. Volunteering and having classic books on the shelf not because he enjoys any of it but because of its image. The cliff that he says is chasing him. I do worry for him. As angry as all this makes me, there was somebody worth loving inside of him, and he is not interested in looking at himself much last loving himself, and I want to tell him that. That he can't get self respect and appreciation from outsiders except as fleeting moments. He has to do that for himself. I want to ask him if he can't at least try for a little bit to heal himself before he decides that our marriage was what was making him unhappy.
But that would be me forcing my point of view. It would be me not accepting him where he is now, trying to change him, playing into mother/pursuer.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
