I am moving the goalposts because my little heart isn't getting the outcome it wanted underneath my angered at how it has gone down and the doormat I don't want to be.
I am desperately hoping that time will buy husband wanting to change himself. I wonder if this can be a really bad move on my part for my own mental health. H was frustrated yesterday, but he said he understood that if I wasn't ready to sign that I wasn't, and that was okay with him but you seriously doubted our marriage had any chance of reconciliation. He threw out the 95% number and an idea that if it were to happen, it would be after divorce. I hardly call that mixed signals in light of everything that has happened.
His point of view, if I choose to believe what he told me: he left me, he wanted our marriage to work, he tried as hard as he could, it was always his goal, and there was the straw that broke the camels back with his temper, he has never been out of control like that, it was wrong and in how he handled it, but he really didn't care it because I brought the argument to him, it felt crazy, he realized he couldn't make me happy, and he is just done now. I had a right to kick him out of the house but he is happy to be on his own.
I am also moving the goalpostsin my own head. I believe it is called bargaining. I was horrified when he told me yesterday that we weren't even three weeks out of that fight, and he was already trying to see and sleep with people. Now for some reason I am wondering if I can just hold out, and let him come to the realization that the cliff he mentioned yesterday the one that he is feeling chased by, isn't our M. There is no waiting period in my state.
It's like I have a mental split of my husband. I am imagine him in the year as we were happy, and then there is this very cold strange version of him that I've come to know in the last six months. I can't seem to resolve this into one image of him in my mind. I can't seem to except what is happening, without believing that there is somehow a way to bring back what is now past. Rationally, I do know that this is ridiculous. My marriage is done. He is no longer the person he used to be.
why can I not find acceptance with this? I don't want to be with somebody who treats me like this.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
