Here is some insight. I went to a trivia night last Friday and had such a good time that I ended up staying for the live band afterward. Then Sunday, my daughter and I went to mystery dinner theatre. I met a gal whose divorce just finalized and we have a lot in common. It was nice to make a friend or two this weekend. Someone who understands what I am going through right now. some of the things she said struck a nerve.
Why am I holding on so hard? He drinks daily, he is popping pills, he is emotionally abusive and toxic to my self esteem, he emotionally cheated twice, he blew $16,500 in the stock market without my knowledge so I can add gambling to the list, he can't commit or keep his promises, and he refuses to get help for his problems. So, why do I want to hold on so much. I think part of the answer lies in that I have never been a quitter. I have a character flaw in that I want to help people be better than they really are. It is one of the reasons I work in higher education.
More importantly, I realized after talking to a student this morning that there is a big difference between helping someone who wants it and someone who doesn't it. The old phrase, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink rings true in these instances.
So, why is it so hard to just let go. I know this is normal for this part of the break up, but it doesn't make it any easier. What is sad is that if he came to me tomorrow and said, I want to go to rehab, I want to be a better person and I want you to be there on the other end when I get done and I want to make this work or anything along these lines, I'd be right back into the relationship.
Is it what I really want? And right now it is. He wasn't always like this. I remember the man I married and I know he is in there somewhere but I can't make him come back out to play. I'm not dragging my feet in the divorce by any means cause I know it won't do any good. If he doesn't want to address his problems and the problems in the marriage it is just better to walk away.
I'm GALing and it is helping. But today, I just feel anger. I'm angry that he can't see what his actions have done to this family and to me. I'm angry that he refuses to see his actions and that he doesn't want to fix himself instead of casting stones.
