Kramer's Journey

[Kramer]

So brass tacks, you're W is in an active affair and has moved out and filed for D.

The best thing you can do is say adios, amiga, go no contact, keep yourself intact and figure out how to make things different in your life. As you said in some of your early posts, you both let the marriage slide.
And that's exactly what I am trying to do. Let the lawyers handle the divorce proceedings, while working on my issues. I realize that I need to change my bad behaviors and actions in order to become a better person, even if my marriage cannot be saved.

What happened in your first marriage?
Karma is a b*tch. My first wife constantly belittled me and said that she could do better than me. She was emotionally labile and very condascending. I had an affair, filed for divorce, and left the marriage. I hurt her deeply, and swore that I would never do that again in the future.

When I was younger, I had a horrible relationship with my stepfather. He was verbally and physically abusive, and I became very self sufficient and emotionally introverted. I kept my feelings inside as much as possible. I also had to take care of my mother as a teenager. She had end stage cancer, and it fell on me to take her to chemo and physically assist her. She became my focus, and then she died. I ended up putting up walls and continuing to hide my feelings.

When my current wife and I got together, we made a vow to never commit adultery. If either one of us felt the urge, then we were supposed to tell the other one, and work on our issues. As you can see in my sitch, I received the same treatment that I gave out nearly 20 years ago.

What did you learn from that marriage break-up?I became a more honest and caring person. However, I still kept my emotions close to the vest and was selfish with my feelings. On the surface, I was confident, self sufficient, and in control of my life. The truth was (is) that I was (am) lonely, emotionally distant, and fearful of commitment.

What are you learning now?That I never dealt with my loneliness and sense of loss from my mother. That I need to be open and more giving with my emotions. That I need to stop blaming others when they don't respond how I think they should. I need to worry about my own actions, and stop trying to influence others to do what I want.