I really need help to save my marriage.

[Joe J S]

Me and my wife got married when she was 17 and I was 19.
I have been married to my wife for five years.
3 of those I was serving in the army and went on one deployment.
Ever since I returned we have had communication issues and never really had the time to work on it between my field rotations and our son. we both began having issues with infidelity because even though we were in the same room we could never open ourselves up to each other.
8 months after I separated from the service we had our second child.
After that we had rough patches but we were getting better and being open with each other.
By the time our 4 year anniversary came around we were both in love again and felt really good about our relatiorelationship.
The day after our anniversary she flew back to Virginia to introduce our son to the rest of his family.
Three days later he went to sleep and never woke up.
I flew out that day and found her at her grandmother's talking to other people again.
I asked her why and she said she just wanted to talk to people that didn't know so I let her cope with it how she felt she needed to.

We found out she was pregnant with our third child a month after his death.
Two weeks later we decided to move to Virginia.
Which meant that I would go back home and pack up our car and bring it back across the country.
I ended up being stick in California for 3 months trying to save up enough for the trip.
After the first few weeks I fell into a deep depression and me and the wife stopped talking as often.
I felt guilty for not being by her side and didn't feel worthy of her love.
Two months in I found her on a dating site and she admitted to being on it.
So I decided to get revenge and discussed meeting up with someone else but in the end decided against it and finally returned home to her.
Everything seemed to be going okay, but something seemed off with her.
She was so distant from me I got caught up in playing video games because I didn't know what to do.
A week before she was to give birth she found out about the woman I never met up with.
We discussed it and I told her the truth that I did it because she had hurticaria me. She told me I was wrong and that she had been trying the entire time I was in California.
Our son was born and things went back to normal we got along fairly well.
She was upset that I played the game on occasion but other than that we were happy.
On new years eve she woke up to our newborn not breathing.
I immediately started to perform cpr on him even though I knew that it was no use.
We buried him in the same plot as his brother five days later and my wife started taking zoloft. Due to our other son dying we were required to have an escort whenever we had our eldest son with us.
So her friend moved in with us.
At this same time I started a new job on graveyard shift. So we had absolutely no time together to grieve alone.
A few weeks later I found out that a friend she talked poetry with was actually a guy she had fallen in love with while I was in California.
We talked it out and she and I started getting along better than before our second son's death. A week later she told me she didn't love me and had an apartment ready to move into.
she told me she needed some space and that when our lease was up I could move in with her.

She then started sending mixed signals about being with me and not. I was already grieving our son so I reacted horribly with each new spurt of threatening divorce. We started doing couples packets and then one night I get a call from her while I was at work saying she had sex with someone else when the day before she had told me she didn't want to have sex with anyone. I freaked out when she acted like it wasn't any of my business. I posted it on facebook when she refused to talk to me. Again I understand that this wasn't the best course of action and immediately removed it but a couple people saw it before I did.
It's been almost a month and a half since then and she has admitted that she did fall in love with the guy and that he rejected her because she was married but he recently confessed that he said he wanted to be with her but she turned him down. She is now planning on going to Canada to see him in a few weeks but still sends me mixed signals like after church she will hold my hand. She says she just wants to be by herself because she is happier than being with me. Our son has started saying that she hates me and that he hates her and wants to live with me. I have forgiven her for everything and want to save our marriage not only for myself but for our son as well. I just don't know what to do anymore and on my pay I can't afford traditional counseling and she has agreed to see a counselor to improve our friendship. I bought the divorce busting book and am currently reading it. I don't know how to act around her at all. please help me.