As bazaar as it may sound, you have to stop thinking of her "as your wife". She has chosen to remove herself from the M, and has replaced you with another man. As long as you think of her "as your W" your emotions will have you so confused until you can't think straight. To help keep your emotions from dictating your actions, work on thinking of her the way you would a former girlfriend who cheated on you. I realize it's different, but just try.
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I don't know how to respond to her at this point because, as far as I know, she doesnt know I know about the OM. She'll text me about stuff about our son, and about some bill she thought she lost but now she found it.... I mean.... how do I respond to stuff like that? Go dark? Be pleasant? Be short?
Never act like her victim, and do not show her how badly this affects you. Any type of pitiful, sad, hurt, pouting, & rejected behavior from you will simply turn her off worse than she already is.....plus reinforce her reasons for replacing you with OM.
Other behaviors such as jealousy, rage, spitefulness, vindictiveness, self-righteousness, punitive, etc., justifies her reasons for leaving the M.
However, do not confuse those behaviors with showing a firm stance whenever dealing with a WW. Always......ALWAYS be prepared for her to flip her behavior around on a dime. At this point, every encounter is a test for you. You cannot trust or believe anything she says. Do not forget to wear your armor at all times.
When she texts about things you listed in your quote, learn to respond with one word replies. Most LBH's want to take the opportunity to chat. Wrong thing to do with a WW. Don't chat.....EVER. If she doesn't ask a question in her text, then determine if you even need to reply. Again, use just as few words as possible.
When exchanging kids or whatever that has you face to face with her, be civil. Think of polite, only. Right now, you really don't even have to be all that friendly, IMO. So, just act civilized for the time being. Refrain from making cutting or sarcastic remarks. Do not ask her questions about OM. Remember, you already know all you need to know. Trying to get her to admit it......has no value for you. It won't change a thing.
She'll discover you know about OM soon enough. In the meantime, if you see her face to face, have an attitude of, "He can have you b/c you are not the girl I once loved".
Walk and talk with complete self-confidence. It is one of the most attractive things a man can do!
I agreed with her that it is sad and that, once again, I didnt want to do any of this. Not one thing. I said we can stop, we can quit doing this and work on us. But, just as quickly as she started crying, she quit and it was back to business.
Tuck this under your hat for future encounters. Tears are not a sign she's rethinking the situation. It is not your clue to jump in to assure her that you still love her and want to save the M. The LBH gets this all turned around backwards and thinks he has to convince her that she doesn't have to get a D and that she can come back home and all will be forgiven. But as long as she's wayward, that is the wrong message to give her. Do not forget it. One day in the near future, when her fantasy starts crumbling, you may hear her say, "You'll never be able to forgive me", but it's just a temp check. That's all it is.
LBH'S need to know that the heart of a WW is cold, mean, selfish, and greedy. She may not want you, but she wants to keep you under her thumb. If you grieve for her, that's just lovely. However, if she sees you being happy and enjoying life without her........and God forbid you may have thoughts of replacingher.......she just comes unglued.
Do not try to rescue her, b/c the sooner her fantasy with OM falls down around her, the better for everyone. You have to step away and let the reality she's created take a big bite out of her a$$ that gets her attention. Then, when you see the tears (and you will), remember that she's crying for herself b/c life is so cruel and unfair to her. Hopefully, some day you will see her shed tears of true remorse. Sadly, that day won't come quickly.
So, be good to yourself. Move forward with your life. Protect yourself and your kids. Put their safety, health, security, and happiness first. If there's a question of what's best for your children, never hesitate out of fear of what she may think about it. Do the best you can, based on what you believe to be the right thing to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
