I hucked a waterfall.

[mahhhty]

First Thread... New England Newcomer.
Second Thread... So I am divorced.

I'd ask anyone who reads this to not judge whitewater sports or my activities. I am just trying to discuss happiness as it relates to my mind and body. I'd like to not tackle any whitewater issues people may or may not have.

Hucked. Past Tense of the verb huck. Huck in this context is to describe the act of paddling off a drop. I have been whitewater kayaking and rafting over 15 years. Whitewater spoke to me at a very young age. As I have gotten older, I've been able to determine what it is about whitewater that attracts me. Growing up as a competitive male in all sports, I believe my connection to whitewater is the concept of flow moments....

From Wikipedia:
In positive psychology, flow, also known as zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does. Named by Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, the concept has been widely referenced across a variety of fields, though has existed for thousands of years in other guises, notably in some eastern religions.

Mt Biking, Whitewater, Skiing provide me environmental attachment, solitude or camaraderie all things which I have enjoyed. I do not relate myself to any form of a reckless individual, daredevil, stuntman or adrenaline junkie. That is not who I am nor will ever be.

The waterfall I went over on Saturday, I had done so 5 times or so, 6 years ago. As the divorce has given me more time to GAL. I have paddled (and skied) a lot more than recent years, and am probably the best shape of my life. It has put my soul on a path of revitalization. I was with an extremely competent safe group of fantastic boaters. We proceeded to run it 5 times.

Being a competitive person I know see how the corporate world has lured me in and created tunnel vision and stress within my life, and more importantly my old family's. And I let it. No one else but me.

Do I miss my family? Absolutely! I miss tucking my kids in bed every night. I miss checking on them before bed, and whispering "I love you." I miss so many more things, than could ever fit on this thread.

Do I miss my X? That is a resounding... No! That may sound like a shock, but its really a play on words. Just as I changed and have changed. The Woman who is now my X, was not my Wife. I maintain they are different people, and I fully comprehend I had a hand in that change. I miss the Woman I married, and had most of our marriage. I miss her smile, laugh, her creativity, the way she used curl up into what she called her nook (my neck/collar bone area) or how she used to proclaim that we were puzzle pieces, meant to fit together.

The waterfall only reiterated to me, that I lost myself, in this process called life. I am only beginning to understand what that means to me. I am no longer frustrated or disgruntled by the silence of our house. This is all an opportunity to find myself and be the best version of me. I knew nothing of marriage maps, stages of grieving, love languages, etc. Through years I had been taking in relationship skills through osmosis from family, which created me. Basically I was relationship clueless! For that I thank her, b/c honestly, I have no idea if I would have ever been able to be so introspective. During my life, I will have the kind of life I want filled with the things that make me happy. I am confident that I can be the person I wish to be, and also be the active parent and proper teacher, to my two wonderful kids. Relationships through my life are already much better! With my kids, my parents, my family, even people within her family.

Does she have someone else? I know its odd for someone in my position to have suspicions and not fully know. I have asked and she has said no (multiple times). As for the IOM, perhaps... she reads a lot so that is possible. Regardless, they help in no way. If confronted with that situation I will need to be strong and confident for my children and myself. Will she come back? Maybe who knows. If she was to come back would it be in the correct mindset and frame to work on us, so this wouldn't happen again? No idea.

As Mr. Bond and Cadet pointed out at the end of my last thread, this is a form of mind reading and not being fully detached. I maintain that I love the woman I married, and sometimes I feel that I see glimpses, but I can not, will not hang my hat on these aka act upon them. I will continue to detach and not stoop to mind reading, conjecture, or snooping of any kind, of course this is not instantaneous, but something I must continue to work on.

I plan to live my life, learn and listen to myself, to this message board and the words of the many many others that came before, like the words of Greek.

I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.

It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.

Greek

To the people who have responded to me at some point... Thank you! All of you! Cadet, NH, Bob, Mozza, lnlyshp, 25yrs, mvg, georgia, Seaspin, Karma, Sandi, Squiggy, RD, Pink, Toots, Starsky, Wonka, Dawn, GoatGal, gan, gogo, Vanilla, TLE, NewB3, bravo and anyone else I missed. Every response no matter how big or small makes a difference. I will continue to try and pay it forward (when not GAL'ing)!

To Lost18... Since the beginning you always have checked up on me. I can never thank you enough.

To those stressed, frustrated, furious, angry, sad, [insert emotion]... Please stay the course, continue to learn, grow, etc. Let go of the blame, be honest with yourself, and be introspective. I have not been on here long, but I have already seen a lot of people abandon the board. This is not a light switch. There is nothing you can say or do to change things immediately. Stay the course and it will get better. Choose to not change and you will just stay.